Wasted time, by Miss Nostalgia

domniki

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A short introduction

Miss Nostalgia is a fervent Candy Candy fan, a great friend and a wonderful writer, whose permission we have acquired to post her stories here and share them with the readers of B2R forum. I hope you will all enjoy them as much as I have. Thank you very much Miss Nostalgia.

A Candy-Candy fan,

Domniki.


NB.
I first read the story at www.candyterry.com






Wasted Time


by MissNostalgia

Chapter 1





I would die for you


I would die for you



I've been dying just to feel you by my side, to know that you're mine


 


I would cry for you



I would cry for you



I will wash away your pain with all my tears,



I'm drowning on fear


 


I will pray for you



I will pray for you,



I will sell my soul for something pure and true, someone like you


 


See your face every place that I walk in



Hear your voice every time that I'm talking



You will believe in me, and I will never be ignored


 


I will burn for you



Feel pain for you



I will twist the knife and bleed my aching heart, and tear it apart


 


I will lie for you



Beg and steal for you



I will crawl on hands and knees until you see,



You're just like me


 


Violate all the love that I'm missing



Throw away all the pain that I'm living



You will believe in me, and I can never be ignored


 


I would die for you



I would kill for you



I will steal for you



I'd do time for you



I will wait for you



I'd make room for you



I'd sink ships for you,



Take the cross for you



Make me a part of you



Because I believe in you



I believe in you



I would die for you


 


© Garbage - Crush #1


The young woman was lying in bed, still wearing her wedding dress, staring blankly at the ceiling. She had postponed calling the maid to help her change, hoping her husband would be back and do so himself but the clock on the bedside table indicated 3am and by the look of things, she was going to spend her wedding night alone.

 


Susanna Grandchester, formerly Marlowe, sighed deeply. After her mother had begged him for what had felt like forever to pick a wedding date, and pressured him any chances she had for good measure, Terry had finally agreed to do so, under the express condition that it would be an intimate ceremony, at New York City Hall, with only the two of them and their witnesses, no journalists, no big lavish party. Susanna, all to the joy of finally marrying the man of her dreams, had readily agreed. She did not care about the ceremony, she only cared about marrying the man she had sacrificed herself for.


 


The wedding day finally came. Susanna was beaming with happiness. Her mother was her witness and Robert Hathaway was Terry
s. The ceremony was short and simple, as Terry had requested, and was followed by a small dinner at Roberts place. Terry barely uttered a word during the whole evening and seemed lost in his thoughts. Susanna was so used to him just standing quietly by her side that she did not pay any particular attention to it.

 


When it came time for them to retire to the apartment Terry had purchased on
Fifth Avenue, they took a cab. Susanna was highly anticipating her wedding night. She had fantasized about having intercourse with Terry for so long that she could barely contained her excitement and had a hard time stopping herself from jumping on him during the ride back home. Terry was finally hers! He would be by her side for the rest of her life, which was what she wanted more than anything else, ever since she first set her eyes on him. She had promptly terminated her liaison with Robert Hathaway that very day, much to his relief as he was getting tired of her but was reluctant to dump her for she was his top actress and he was afraid she would leave his troupe. Her mother on the other hand had been much displeased: Mrs. Marlowe had been the one to suggest her daughter to sleep with Robert Hathaway in order to secure herself a future in Broadway. Susanna, used to follow her mothers advice, had obliged and it had indeed helped her jump-start her career. She was beautiful, but she knew her acting had nothing special and that several actresses were far more talented than she was. So by being Hathaways mistress, she made sure she remained the top choice. But upon meeting Terry, her career that had always come first was instantly forgotten. He was so handsome, she had not been able to take her eyes off him and had been delighted when he had landed a role in King Lear. The very idea of being on stage with him had made her ecstatic. Unfortunately, her happiness had been short lived for she had quickly realized that Terry did not notice her. But the accident happened. The accident in which she had lost her leg but that she nevertheless considered God sent since it had allowed her to become Mrs. Terrence Grandchester.

 


The cab was about a block from the apartment when Terry had abruptly asked the driver to stop. He told her coldly he had remembered some urgent business he had to take care of, got out of the cab and disappeared into the night. Susanna had been too stunned to say anything. Upon arriving in front of their building, the doorman helped her out of the cab.


 


Welcome Mrs. Grandchester, the doorman said. Mr. Grandchester left instructions for me to take you to your apartment”.

 


Susanna did not understand. Terry had left instructions? So he must have known he was not going to make it back home with her. What was going on?


 


The doorman took Susanna
s wheelchair out of the cabs trunk, installed Susanna in it and pushed her toward the elevator. They got silently in. They arrived at the fifth floor. Their apartment was located at the end of the corridor. The door was too small to accommodate Susannas wheelchair so the doorman carried her in his arms. Susanna felt warm tears rolling down her cheeks. She should have been entering the apartment into Terrys arms, not the doormans!

 


A maid greeted her. She was in her mid fifties, short, medium built, gray hair, a kind smile illuminating her round face.


 


Good evening Mrs. Grandchester. Welcome home. My name is Wendy and Ill be attending to all your needs”.

 


Susanna swallowed her tears and gave her a small smile.


 


Hello”.

 


The doorman sat her on a chair in the living room while he went to bring her wheelchair in.


 


Mr. Grandchester made sure the doors inside the apartment were wide enough to accommodate your wheelchair, that way it will be easy for you to move around. He obviously forgot about the entry way but Im sure this can get fixed in no time,Wendy said gently. The doorman came back with the wheelchair and helped Susanna settle in.

 


Anything else I can do for you tonight Madam?No, thank you”.

 


The doorman left. Wendy asked:


 


Would you like a tour of the apartment?No, thank you. Id rather wait for Terry to show me around. Im actually tired and would not mind resting in our bedroom.

 


Sure, let me show you to your bedroom, Wendy said, pushing Susannas wheelchair. They entered a small room, where boxes with all her personal belongings had been brought into. It had a double bed, a dressing table, an armoire and nothing else. The walls were bare and the curtains were plain. Susanna was puzzled. It did not look like a conjugal bedroom at all, more like a guest bedroom.

 


What is this?She asked.

 


It is your room Madam. Mr. Grandchester said you are free to decorate it any which way you like.What do you mean my room? She asked nervously, not liking what she was hearing.

 


Wendy looked embarrassed and did not answer immediately.


 


Well, I Mr. Grandchester I thought you were aware she started awkwardly.

 


I am obviously not aware of anything. So please do tell me.Interrupted Susanna, deeply annoyed by the maid reluctance to explain herself clearly.

 


Well Mr. Grandchester occupies the master bedroom on the other side of the apartment. He said it would be easier for you to be in the guest room since it is close to my room, should you need assistance.I wont require your assistance at all times. I can very well manage alone. So please show me to the master bedroom. Now. And have my belongings taken there as well”.

 


ButListen Wendy, and listen well. I dont know what my husband told you but I am the lady of the house. I call the shots. Anything pertaining to my person is my decision, not his. Is that clear?Very well Madam”.

 


Wendy was about to push Susanna out but was stopped by Susanna
s irritated voice.

 


I can do it myself. Which way?Left, go straight ahead through the kitchen and turn right.

 


Susanna maneuvered her wheelchair with difficulty but did not want to ask Wendy for help. When she finally arrived to the master bedroom, after bumping into various pieces of furniture and walls, she was sweaty and red with exhaustion.


 


The room was spacious, had a fireplace, art works on the walls, beautiful velvet curtains, a balcony with a view of Central Park, definitively the kind of room Susanna had pictured to be theirs.


 


Ill be right back with your belongings.’’Thank you Wendy. For tonight, just bring the little brown suitcase, this is all I will need. And if you could also bring me some candles.’’’’Of course Madam.’’ Wendy left. Susanna settled her chair by the window and started looking out for Terrys silhouette.

 


Wendy came back with the suitcase and candles.


 


’’Here you go Madam. Do you need help to change?’’’’No, Ill be fine. That will be it for tonight. Thank you.’’’’Good night Madam.’’

 


Susanna arranged the candles throughout the room and lit them up. She then went back to the window and stood there for a while, scanning the streets. After a while, she dozed off. She woke up with a start and decided to go lay down on the bed. She tried to take off her dress but could not get to the zipper. She thought about calling Wendy for help but decided against it. She would wait for Terry. It was their wedding night and he was bound to come back.


 


So she waited and waited. 3 am, and still no sign of Terry. She cried bitter tears and finally fell asleep.
 
Τελευταία επεξεργασία από έναν συντονιστή:
Chapter 2




Your love in all its finery


Tear up the darkness all around me



Until I can breathe again



Until I believe again


 


Cause I'm a train wreck



Waiting to happen



Waiting for someone to come pick me up off the tracks



A wild fire born of frustration



Born of a world, oh, that gets me so high



I've no fear at all


 


But your eyes like midnight fireflies



Light up the trenches where my heart lies



Until I can see again



Find my way back again


 


Cause I'm a train wreck



Waiting to happen



Waiting for someone to come pick me up off the tracks



A wild fire born of frustration



Born of the one love that gets me so high


 


I've no fear at all



To fall so deep into you



Loose myself completely



In your sweet embrace



All my pain's erased


 


From your mouth, it's all that I wish



Mercy of your lips, just one kiss



Until I can breathe again



Until I can sing again


 


Cause I'm a train wreck



Waiting to happen



Waiting for someone to come pick me up off the tracks



A wild fire born of frustration



Born of the one love that gets me so high


 


I've no fear at all



To fall so deep into you



Loose myself completely



In your sweet embrace



All my pain's erased


 


© Sarah McLachlan - Train Wreck






Terry walked aimlessly through the streets, lost in gloomy thoughts. He lit up a cigarette and took a long drag from it. His hands were shaking badly. Even though it was a warm June night, he was cold. Come to think of it, he was always cold. Ever since that terrible day, he felt like a permanent winter had invaded his whole body, freezing his heart. What should have been his glory day had turned out to be a total disaster. He saw his dreams shattered and his life hijacked by duty. It had been almost two years but every single detail was still vivid in his mind.


 


After Candyʼs abrupt departure, he had gone to Susannaʼs room but the feeling of suffocation that invaded him every time he was around her was so strong he had to leave. He had bummed a cigarette from a stressed out Dad-to-be in the hospital waiting room. Seeing the man had increased his distress, painfully reminding him how much he would have loved to become the father of Candyʼs baby, he had daydreamed about that so many times, it had been his motivation to work hard, to be able to one day support his family, with Candy by his side.


 


He had still been able to smell the faint scent of Candyʼs hair, feel the warmth of her body against his. He would have given anything to keep her in his arms. But that had not been meant to be. That very thought had brought tears to his eyes, along with the urge for some fresh air. He had gone out in the streets and had ended up in a pub. He had gone on a drinking binge from then on, culminating with his performance in a third rate traveling theater, where, in a drunken haze, he had seen her, or at least he thought he had. The look on her face, the sadness, had been so intense that he had right then and there vowed to sober up and get his life back in order, so that he could achieve his dream of becoming a Broadway star, as well as fulfill his promise to Candy. And he had succeeded.


 


But he was not happy. Something was missing. He knew it was no use but he could not help to feel sorry for himself, even more so on his wedding day. What had possessed him to agree to marry Susanna? How did he think for a second he could go on with the travesty his life had become? Now that he was married, there was no going back.


 


The enormity of it all had hit him like a ton of bricks, at the altar of all places, when he had been asked by the Justice of the Peace if he was willing to take Susanna to be his lawful wife. He had felt his heart, or rather what was left of it, blowing to pieces. He had entertained for a second the possibility of screaming “No!” but upon looking at Susannaʼs adoring face, he had not been able to gather the strength to do so. She had been his choice. She had saved his life, she needed him to find the courage to keep on living and it was now his duty to make sure she was happy. Upon kissing her to seal their union, his lips had lightly brushed hers in a short kiss that had made him feel nauseous. Susanna was an extremely attractive woman despite her handicap but he just did not love her and any kind of physical contact felt forced and actually repulsive to him. He could not help but blame her for everything that was wrong in his life.


 


He could not bring himself to face her on their wedding night, to have to explain how he could not make love to her like she expected him to, that he would never be the kind of husband she was longing for. It was something he should have told her months ago, before marrying her, but he had been too much of a coward. He had tried to talk to Mrs. Marlowe but she had not been willing to hear him. All she wanted was for him to take care of her daughter and marry her, and she had done everything she possibly could to make him feel guilty and forever indebted to Susanna, with marriage the only acceptable compensation for the loss of her limb.


 


The only reason he went on with it was that Candy had agreed with the idea and left him, without even giving him a chance to talk to her, tell her how much he loved her, how much he wanted to marry her, leaving him feeling rejected like never before. What a fool he had been, all this time, thinking he would marry her, be happy with her forever. He should have known better. Wasnʼt the story of his life to be rejected by the women he loved? His mother had been the first one to reject him… Then Candy… So maybe marrying Susanna was the logical thing to do, she loved him, and would never reject him. He had tried to convince himself that in time, he would grow to love her. But he did not. So he figured he might as well marry her. One did not need love to get married, as his father had shown him.


 


The problem was that now that they were married, Susanna would be expecting certain things from him, things that were not hers to have.


 


He arrived in front of a pub and walked in. He sat at the bar, oblivious to everything, and ordered a whisky. And another. And another. Whisky had resumed his role as his best friend lately. It was the only thing that made his life somewhat bearable. When sober, a sense of self-pity, hatred and shame would not leave him alone. The voices in his head were driving him crazy and the only way to shut them off was to drink.


 


With Candy out of his life, his old demons had come back to haunt him and he was again smoking, drinking and getting into a brawl any chances he would get. He had briefly stopped after the episode in Rocktown, when in what he assumed to be an alcohol induced delirium, he had seen Candy standing in the room, looking at him with her beautiful eyes full of tears, an expression of infinite sadness on her freckled face. He had been sober long enough to get back on stage and regain his popularity. But he had quickly gone back to his old ways, the only difference being that he was now a functioning drunk, able to perform as good as ever on stage. Even though he refused to admit it, he was always hoping for another vision of his beloved while intoxicated. But so far, it had not happened.


 


His mind drifted to that summer in Scotland. He had never been happier. He had reconciled with his mother, thanks to Candy. The weather was beautiful, it was a magnificent summer, it was theirs. She was beautiful. He remembered their kiss, and how he had told her he had feelings for her. She had not believed him. They had slapped each other. But despite the slapping that followed, he cherished the memory of this kiss, their first and only kiss, how sweet her lips tasted. How he had longed to kiss her nose, her cheeks, her neck… How far away this summer seemed, but it was like he was still there. He could not help but think about her. He wondered where she was, what was she doing, was she happy? Did she sometime think of him?


 


“Oh Candy… No matter how hard I try, I canʼt forget you. Iʼll always love you... Why did I let you go, why?” he thought sadly, downing another whisky. He motioned to the barman for another one.


 


“I guess I was born with a taste for alcohol. Do you know whisky can melt the sorrow right out of your soul?” He said, trying to sound funny but failing miserably.


 


“Sorry mate, weʼre closed.”


 


Terry looked around and realized he was the only customer left.


 


“Are you Okay? Would you like me to call a cab for you?”


 


“No, Iʼll be fine. Would you mind selling me the bottle?” He asked, pointing to the still half full bottle the barman had been pouring glasses out of.


 


“We usually donʼt… But looks like you need it.”


 


“Thanks,” answered Terry, getting up, leaving money on the bar.


 


He was back in the street. He looked up at the sky, wondering if Candy was seeing the same stars as he was. He took a deep breath, the fresh air clearing his head up a bit. He walked to Central Park, deserted this late at night. He sat on a bench and lit up yet another cigarette. He took a long sip from the bottle of whisky. He was planning on drinking himself into a stupor. He had made his bed, he had to lay in it. Susanna Marlowe had been his choice, a bad choice but a choice he made nevertheless. There was no point complaining and musing on what could have been. He just had to set the rules with her. As long as she would abide by them, they would be just fine. Certainly not a happy couple but he was not expecting his life to be a happy one. How could it be, when he was forced to live without his only love, burdened by self-loathe and guilt.
 

Chapter 3



I'm never coming back


I'm never giving in



I'll never be the shine in your spit



I disconnect the act



I disconnect the dots



I disconnect the me in me



And you're mistaken, it's you that's faking



Living and breathing and dying too



This message is for anyone who dares to hear a fool



You can't bring me back, you can't bring me back



Cause I give it all back to you



Thru sacred alleys, the living wrecks



Wreak their havoc upon this world



The disenchanted, the romantics,



The body and face and soul of you is gone down that deep black hole



Destroy the mind-destroy the body-but you cannot destroy the heart



And you, you make me so I need to disconnect



And you make it so real



I don't need your love to disconnect



To runaround kids in get-go cars



With vaseline afterbirths and neon coughs



Galaxies full of nobodies



Giving us the farewell runarounds



I took a Virgin Mary axe to his sweet Baby Jane,



Lost my innocence to a no good girl, scratch my



Face with anvil hands, and coil my tongue around a bumblebee mouth



And I give it all back to you



No way, I don't need it, I don't need your love to disconnect



And you make it, so real, I don't need your love to disconnect



No way to disconnect



And you make it so real



I don't need your love to disconnect



No way to disconnect


 


© Smashing Pumpkins - *** You (An Ode To No One)




Susanna woke up upon hearing someone entering the room. Terry was in the doorway, barely able to stand, reeking of alcohol.

 


“Terry!” Susanna exclaimed, smiling lovingly, sitting up and arranging her hair with a nervous hand, completely unmindful of her husbandʼs state.


 


“Well, what a surprise… What are you doing in my room?” he said mockingly. Upon seeing her in his bed, all his good resolutions had disappeared, the drunkenness that occupied his mind giving way to the rage he had been suppressing for months.


 


Susanna felt her heart twinge. What kind of game was he playing?


 


“Terry… This is my room as well…” Her voice was shaking, she wanted to cry but somehow felt that it would only make things worse for her.


 


“No itʼs not, yours is on the other side of the apartment. This is my room, my retreat, my sanctuary," he said dryly.


 


“But…”


 


“Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!” he interrupted her, laughing a sarcastic laugh. “I got it! You thought that we were going to share a room! Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! This is too funny! You truly believed I was going to sleep with you! Ah! Ah! Ah!” His laugh was joyless and one of the scariest things Susanna had ever heard. It infuriated her nevertheless.


 


“And what is so funny about that? Let me remind you that we are now married!” she answered angrily.


 


“And let me remind you, or should I rather say inform you since you seem to be completely oblivious to this fact, that I do not love you and there is no way I will share my room and my bed with you!” His piercing blue eyes were cold and emotionless.


 


“We are married and you cannot expect me to stay in a guest room, with no physical contact with you. I love you so much Terry.”


 


“And I donʼt! I can barely tolerate your presence so please donʼt push it.”


 


“Why are you so mean?” she asked, her voice trembling.


 


“Hey Honey, I have news for you: Terrence Grandchester is no Prince Charming. You were obviously unaware of this fact. Terrence Grandchester is cold, mean, moody, he drinks, he fights, and he does not care about etiquette. All rules are meant to be bent Darling. I guess thatʼs what you get for marrying someone you did not know anything about in the first place.”


 


“What has gotten into you? Itʼs about Candy, isnʼt it? “ She asked, green with jealousy.


 


“I forbid you to say her name, ever.” Terry was angrier than ever upon hearing his beloved name.


 


“Look at you, you are still thinking about her! You married me but you are still obsessed with her! You truly are pathetic! She did not want you, she told you so herself! Get over her already! She wanted you to be with me! If you love her so much, why canʼt you comply with that simple request!”


 


Terry, boiling with rage, could not contain himself any longer and slapped her. Her head went flying back on the pillow. He was not proud of himself and instantly regretted it but she had brought it upon herself.


 


“Donʼt you ever lecture me, especially not about Candy! You donʼt know anything about her! You are unworthy of saying her name! Absolute unselfishness doesnʼt mean a thing to you! I swear to God, if you mention her name one more time, I donʼt know what Iʼll do. Now listen carefully. I married you, Iʼll be by your side, Iʼll support you, just like you and your mother wanted. Iʼll do everything a husband does, expect loving you. Is that clear? Youʼll have your own room, feel free to bring men home to satisfy whatever urges you may have. Maybe Robert would take you back…” He sneered.


 


Susanna blushed, deeply embarrassed. She had hoped Terry would never find out about her and Robert, and judging by the friendly behavior between the two men, she had assumed he did not know. She wanted to say something but realized there was nothing she could say to excuse her liaison with Robert.


 


“What about your urges Terry? Who will satisfy them? Donʼt tell me you donʼt have any. Youʼre a man, I know what you need and Iʼd be happy to help you with that.”


 


“You donʼt seem to understand, allow me to be blunt Honey: Iʼd rather pay a hooker than have sex with you! I donʼt doubt your talent, when it comes to that, Iʼm sure you have nothing to envy to a whore...”


 


“How dare you! How dare you talk to me like that? Using those horrible words… What kind of man are you?” Her eyes were brimmed with tears.


 


“And what kind of woman are you? How dare you and your mother manipulate me the way you did! Convincing me to marry you to obey some imaginary sense of duty and then expecting me to fall in love with you, just like that! It never occurred to you both that you could not manipulate me into loving you? Are you that stupid? Or you simply did not give a damn about my feelings?”


 


“What has gotten into you? Are you drunk? Is that it? Oh my god, you ARE drunk! Donʼt you have any



morals?”


 


“Look whoʼs talking! Youʼve got some nerves my dear. I may be a man of bad character but you are a woman without courage. Do tell me, of the two, which one do you think is worse?”


 


She was about to answer when he interrupted her.


 


“Save your breath, Iʼve had enough for tonight. Iʼm going to sleep in the study. I expect you to vacate my room first thing in the morning. Good night.” With that, he left the room.


 


Susanna felt herself crumble. She could not believe what had just happened. She could feel her eyes burn as the tears spilled out. She cursed herself for having been so naive, thinking he would eventually love her. It had been pretty clear all along that Terrence had absolutely no romantic feelings for her. He had been so in love with Candy it had been sickening. All her attempts to seduce him had been ignored. What had possessed her to think he would just forget about Candy and fall madly in love with her? She had ignored all the signs, his absent look, his silence, his moodiness, his drinking, his unexplained disappearances.


 


She cursed her mother for convincing her to pursue Terry when it had been so obvious that it could not work out and for allowing her to manipulate him the odious way she did, giving him a guilt trip any chance she encountered.


 


The truth was she had been so confused after the accident. Waking up to find out her leg had been amputated was the worse feeling she had ever experienced, the anguish, the sheer terror and the pain that invaded her whole body were beyond belief, she thought she was becoming insane. She saw her carefully planned career crumbled. She had not idea how she could go on living, until her mother started to mention that Terry was now responsible for her. She had clung on this idea to maintain her sanity and little by little had convinced herself that it really was the right thing for him to do. She could not picture her life without him by her side. Even if he barely talked or looked at her, it was better than nothing. It brought her peace. But that was before tonightʼs outburst.


 


Why had Terry accepted all this passively, never uttering a single word of protest until now? She had been willing to let him go back to Candy. She had offered him the option several times and it had always met his rejection. Candy! Susanna was convinced this was all her fault. Had she not been that holly and had let her proceed with her suicide, she would not be in this horrendous situation. How could she compare to that saint? Had the roles been reversed, Susanna knew she would never have let Terry go. What kind of person was capable of such a selfless act? Susanna could never understand what Terry saw in her, she was so common looking, plain, unsophisticated, with no sense of style whatsoever. She was definitively not the type one would picture married to a successful actor. Whereas Susanna was the perfect match for him, the perfect trophy wife to take to premieres, parties, to grace the cover of newspapers with. She would be an asset for his career. Why Terry could not see that it made perfect sense for him to be with her?


 


Her only hope was to pray for a miracle, for she was painfully aware that was what it would take for Terryʼs feelings to change. Or maybe she could force him to change his feelings… He was easy to manipulate, she just had to play her cards right. Yes, that was it! He had been drunk, but deep inside, Terry was a gentleman, she had no doubt about that. Once he sobered up, he would feel terrible about what had happened, especially if she mentioned it any chance she would get. He would feel he had to make it up to her. Of course he would. She loved him, she saved his life, he could not keep rejecting her now that she was his wife. With that comforting thought, she fell asleep.


 
Chapter 4




WARNING: This chapter contains some graphic/violent elements that some of you may find disturbing. What do you want from me now you got me


Now my fingers bleed now they stare at me



I'm a coward now



I hold my peace


 


Now you tie me up to your feather bed



And I twist and turn in a Chinese burn



You won't let go



You won't let go


 


You're inside my head



Inside my head


 


What do you want from me now you got me



Now my energy you suck from me



And I'm holding on for dear life



Quit smothering me



Quit laughing at me



I've got a disease, an English disease



It will not go



It will not go


 


You're inside my head



Inside my head


 


Whatever you put in that syringe



Whatever you really said to him



He's sitting there inside of me



And you bother me, you possess me



You're there again, ahead of me



I won't let go



I won't let go


 


You're inside my head



Inside my head



Inside my head



Inside my head


 


© Radiohead - Inside My Head





Terry entered the study and sat at his desk. He felt drained but restless at the same time. He got up and started pacing the room, nervously dragging on a cigarette. He contemplated getting a drink from the bottle he kept hidden in his desk drawer but somehow managed not to do so. He finally rolled up into a ball on the daybed and fell asleep. He woke up feeling extremely hung over but most and foremost full of self-hatred for treating Susanna the way he did. What was happening to him? It was not Susannaʼs fault if he was miserable; it was his own damn fault, as simple as that. He did not like the way he got frustrated and angry with her and had let his temper take over. He didn't want ever again to take it out on her physically. Should he feel the need to act out his anger on someone, it would have to be on himself.

 


He went into the kitchen and made himself some tea. It was 5:30 am, he had slept for about 2 hours. He was looking absently into the starlit sky. A new day would be rising soon. How he longed for doing the same, waking up a new person. Unfortunately, things did not work this way and his state of mind had not miraculously changed. He still felt the same pain inside of him, suffocating him. He lit up a cigarette. The whistle of the teakettle startled him. He placed his cigarette on an ashtray and poured himself a cup of tea. He took a knife and was about to cut a slice of bread when he stopped, looking at the knife in his hand. Without knowing what possessed him to do so, he slit his left wrist. A sharp pain went through his whole arm. He stared at the blood running out. He took a deep breath and slit another spot. Same sharp pain. Same blood. Strangely enough, he felt better. The physical pain had numbed the emotional pain he had been feeling. He felt calmer than he had in months. He felt alive, the blood the irrefutable proof of life itself. It was as if the act of cutting had relieved all the tension and stress he had been feeling. He was so tormented on the inside that he had to let it out somehow, and through his skin seemed as good a place as any. Feeling the external pain helped melt away the internal pain. It was as if all the bad feelings he had harbored for months were washed away with the blood dripping out from his wrist.


 


He quickly washed off the wound with water, wrapped his wrist in a kitchen towel and went back to his study. He sat at his desk, took a pen, a piece of paper and started writing:


 

 


Dear Susanna,

 


I want to apologize for my inexcusable behavior. I am sorry to have ruined your wedding night, it was not my intention. I only want your happiness, please believe me. I did not mean to hurt you.


 


The truth is I was drunk, I had no control over what I was doing and saying. I know it is no excuse but it is all I have to offer. Sorry.


 


You are my wife and I fully intend on making you happy. I am afraid however that it will take some time for me to get adjusted to married life so please be patient.


 


I feel like I donʼt even know you. So I think we should first work on becoming friends before becoming lovers. And to be completely honest with you, a friend is really all I need now.


 


Affectionately yours,


 


Terrence


 


He put the letter in an envelope without reading it over, marked Susannaʼs name on it, got up and went back to his bedroom where he slid it under the door. He came back to the study, took another piece of paper and started writing again.


 

 


Darling Freckles,

 


Well, I think this time Iʼve reached the bottom of the pit of darkness Iʼve been falling into since we separated: I hit my wife, and on our wedding night! Can you believe it? How is that for a good start? Am I not the most disgusting human being youʼve ever heard of? Arenʼt you glad to be out of my life?


 


To top it all, I cannot stop thinking about you. You and I, together in our lives, bound by sacred ties that I know will never fray. I canʼt let myself tell lies and die a little every day I spend without you. I am so lost, you have no idea. I donʼt know what to do. All I know is that being Susannaʼs husband is something I donʼt want. Oh, but wait a minute, Iʼm already her husband! So I guess itʼs too late for a change of heart.


 


I donʼt know about you but I canʼt look at myself when I think of what I left behind. I think back to the times when dreams were what mattered, tough talking youth naïveté. Was it all just wasted time? . I hope you are happier than I am. I could not stand it if you were not. Sometime I wonder if we would not have been better off had we never met


 


I made a promise to you, a promise I am desperately trying to keep but it is so much harder than I thought it would be. Life without you has no meaning. You were my rock, my inspiration. Without you, I am nothing. My old demons have resurfaced, the cigarettes, the alcohol, and my lovely temper does not help a thing.


 


I am now a married man but I cannot bring myself to take my wife into my arms, hold her tight, and tell her I love her. I am pretending to be something I am not. I will always be your husband in my heart, and only yours. Candy, is your heart bleeding as much as mine?


 


I know I should have told you before, it is pointless to do it now but I need to get it out of my system: I LOVE YOU. When you left that day, I watched you walk away, wishing that you would stay. I could not believe you were leaving not to come back. I still cannot believe we parted like that, on a stairway, without even trying to sort things out, without giving our love a chance. But maybe am I being presumptuous and this love I thought we had was all in my mind…


 


I know you are gone but for me you are still here. Everything reminds me of you. I can still smell your perfume, hear your voice, your laugh.


 


I cherish all the memories of us I have, memories that will stay with me till death delivers me from the hell that is now my life.


 


Oh Candy, how much I would like it to be you waiting for me in my bed… Marrying you would have been my greatest joy. But it was just not meant to be.


 


Youʼll never know any of this since I am too much of a coward to mail this letter.


 


With all my love, now and forever.


 


Your Terry


 


He put the letter in an envelope, sealed it, opened a drawer and added it to the pile of all the letters Candy had ever sent him, the harmonica she had given him sitting on top of them all. He picked it up. He had not played it for a long time; the memories attached to it were far too painful. He looked at it for a while, reminiscing the day Candy had handed it to him. He brought it to his lips and kissed it softly. He curled up on the daybed and fell asleep, the harmonica clutched in his hand.


 
Chapter 5

 









People say Iʼm the life of the party



´Cause I tell a joke or two



Although I may be laughing loud and hearty



Deep inside Iʼm blue



So take a good look at my face



You'll see my smile looks out of place



If you look closer itʼs easy to trace



The tracks of my tears



I need you, need you



Since you left me



If you see me with another guy



Seeming like Iʼm having fun



Although he may be cute



Heʼs just a substitute



Because youʼre the only one



So take a good look at my face



You see my smile looks out of place



If you look closer itʼs easy to trace



The tracks of my tears



I need you, need you



Iʼm masquerading



My hope is fading



Oh yeah, since you put me down



My smile is my makeup



I wear since my break-up with you



Baby take a good look at my face



You'll see my smile looks out of place



If you look closer itʼs easy to trace



The tracks of my tears


 


© Smokey Robinson - The Track Of My Tears








The sun was pouring in through the window, inundating the room with its bright light. The young girl grabbed her pillow and put it over her head, not wanting to get up just yet.

 


“Candy! Candy!” came joyful juvenile voices from outside.


 


The girl sat up, rubbed her green eyes, passed a hand through her blond messed up curls and looked at the clock. 8 a.m. Sunday morning. Canʼt they ever let her sleep! She had worked the night shift the previous day and had gotten back home at 5 a.m. She got up, stretching as she walked to the window. When she looked out, she was greeted by cheerful voices.


 


“Ah Candy! Sleepy head! Come and play with us! Come on!”


 


Some pebbles were thrown and landed on the floor in front of her. She picked them up and threw them back at the group of kids who were assembled under her bedroomʼs window.


 


“You rascals! Today is my day off and I was hoping to sleep in!” She screamed, pretending to be mad.


 


“Youʼll have plenty of time to sleep when youʼre dead!” said a little boy.


 


“Yeah, come on, letʼs go climb the trees!” said a little girl.


 


“Why donʼt you guys go first, Iʼll get dressed, have some breakfast and will join you later, OK?”


 


“Promised?”


 


“Promised!” Said the young girl, crossing her heart and spitting through the window.


 


The group of kids went running up the hill facing her bedroom. She watched them for a while, reminiscing how she had been just like them not that long ago.


 


She put on a pair of jeans, an old shirt, put her hair up in a pony tail without bothering to brush it and went downstairs to the kitchen.


 


Miss Pony was sipping some coffee, flipping through a magazine, and Patricia was reading the paper.


 


“Good morning everyone!” said Candy cheerfully.


 


Patricia looked up from her paper, a panicked look on her face. She quickly closed the paper and put it on her lap, trying to look casual but obviously nervous.


 


“Good morning Candy. I thought youʼd be sleeping in today.”


 


“So did I. But the kids decided otherwise.”


 


“Good morning Candy. Oh, I told them to leave you alone…” said Miss Pony.


 


“Doesnʼt matter. Iʼm actually glad they woke me up, it is such a beautiful day, it would have been a shame to sleep in.” Candy said, pouring herself a cup of coffee and grabbing some pancakes.


 


Patricia, who was looking increasingly uncomfortable, got up, the newspaper still clutched in her hand.


 


“Well, Iʼm gonna go get ready for church.”


 


Candy gave her a curious look. Mass was not to start for a couple of hours. Patricia usually liked to linger at the breakfast table, talking about whatever was in the paper that day.


 


“If you are done with it, can I please have the paper?” she asked.


 


“Well… Iʼm not quite finished… I was planning on reading some more outside…” answered Patricia, blushing furiously.


 


“I thought you had to get ready for church?”


 


“I do… I… I just want to finish what I was reading.” Patricia answered lamely.


 


Miss Pony also looked uncomfortable.


 


“Candy, you can have my magazine if you want.”


 


“What is going on? You are both acting weird today. What is in the paper?”


 


“Nothing! Nothing at all!” Patricia promptly answered, holding on the newspaper so tight that her knuckles were turning white.


 


“Then why are you holding on to it as if your life depended on it?”


 


“It… I… “ Patricia mumbled, her eyes refusing to meet Candyʼs.


 


“ Candy, there is something in the paper that we thought might be… distressful…” started Miss Pony.


 


“Distressful? Iʼm afraid I donʼt follow…”


 


Patricia and Miss Pony exchanged an uneasy look.


 


“We might as well tell you, you will have found out sooner or later…”


 


“Found WHAT out? Can you two please drop the mysterious tone and tell me what is going on?”


 


“Itʼs about Terry…” started Patricia.


 


At the mention of the one she had so desperately tried to forget for almost two years now, her heart skipped a beat.


 


“Something bad happened to Terry?” she asked, unable to hide the anxiety that had immediately taken hold of her.


 


“No, no, quite the opposite actually,” said Miss Pony in a reassuring tone.


 


“Can I have the paper. Please.”


 


Patricia handed it to her.


 


Candy opened it. There on the front page stood Terry. As handsome as ever. A solemn look on his face. And next to him was Susanna, a bright smile on her face. The headline read:
King of Broadway married longtime fiancée. Candy felt her head spin. She was grateful she had been sitting or she would have fallen, her legs were shaking and would not have supported her weight. She could not read the rest of the article, her vision was too blurry, she could not make out any words. She felt hot. She needed air. She felt like she would choke if she stayed in the kitchen.

 


“Candy… Iʼm sorry…” started Patricia.


 


Candy took a deep breath, quickly smoothing away the look of profound sorrow she knew was all over her face. She lifted her head up from the paper and somehow managed to smile.


 


“Sorry for what Patty? There is nothing to be sorry about. Terry got married, this is wonderful news and Iʼm very happy for him and Susanna.” How she was able to utter those words without breaking down, she did not know. All she knew was that she did not want her friends to see how hurt she was. She had to keep the happy face she had been putting on. Nobody knew how much she was still hurting from the break up with Terry, nobody suspected the sleepless nights, the crying outbursts. Her mind was constantly going back to that horrible night in the hospital. She could not erase the memory of Terryʼs arms around her waist, his breath on her neck. She felt it was imprinted in her body forever.


 


She quickly left the kitchen, the newspaper still in her hand.



She ran to Ponyʼs hill. The group of children had moved on and was now playing in the vast prairie down the hill. She could hear their laughter. Candy climbed up the tree as far as she could go and read the rest of the article.


 


British born Broadway star Terrence Grandchester, son of renowned Broadway actress Eleanor Baker, married long time fiancée Susanna Marlowe on Saturday in New York City Hall. The couple met three years ago when Terrence, fresh from London where he attended the prestigious St-Paul Academy, joined the Stafford Troupe Susannaʼs was already a member of. A close friend of the couple tells the Time it was love at first sight. “As soon as they laid eyes on each other, they knew they were soul mates.” They kept their romance secret, afraid it would affect their career.

 


They appeared on stage together in King Lear and were stated to play Romeo and Juliet when Susanna was the victim of a tragic accident in which she lost a leg. Once expected to become a great actress in the vein of Eleanor Baker, she has not been on stage ever since.


 


The tragedy only reinforced the bond they had, with Terrence putting his career on hold to remain faithfully by Susannaʼs side during the difficult first months following her amputation. Susanna credited Terrence for giving her the strength to keep on living.


 


The ceremony was intimate, with Robert Hathaway, director of the Stafford Group, and Bellatrix Marlowe as the only guests. Ms. Baker, currently on tour with a production of MacBeth, could not be reached for comment.


 


By the time Candy was done reading, warm tears were rolling down her cheeks. So that was it, Terry was married. All this time, a part of her had not given up hope that things would somehow work out and that they would find a way to mend their relationship. That small thread of hope had kept her going. But now that Terry was officially bound to Susanna forever, she had nothing left to look forward to. Why was life so unfair? Why was she always denied happiness?


 


She had tried to move on, but anytime a man approached her, she could not help but compare him to Terry and would inevitably turn him down. The only one who had been persistent in his desire to date her had been Neil. Candy had been irritated by it at the beginning but ended up finding it very funny and deeply ironic. He would make large monetary donations to the Ponyʼs Home, and even come on Sundays and play with the children. He had sincerely apologized for the way he had treated her in the past, admitting to being a coward who followed his sister directives. Candy had accepted his apologies but had made it clear to him that she would never consider a romantic relationship with him. That did not seem to discourage Neil who brought her flowers at each of his visit. His attitude made Candy a bit uneasy and even sometimes afraid. She had caught him looking at her in a weird way. She never voiced her concerns to anyone and concentrated on the fact that as long as his obsession with her was profiting Ponyʼs home and the children, there was no harm in it.


 


“Candy! Candy!” The voices of the children came calling.


 


Instantly, Candy composed herself, stuck the paper she was still clutching in her hand in a tree hole, put a bright smile on her face and called out in a cheery voice:


 


“Up here! Come and get me if you dare!”


 


She spent the rest of the day playing with the children, temporarily finding respite in their company.


 


That night, she was unable to sleep. She lay in her bed and wept like she had done so many times before. She longed to sleep and dream about him but that did not happen. She got up and looked at the scrapbook Sister Maria had put up together, talking to the pictures, tracing his face with her fingers. She thought that she was losing her mind.


 


Why did she let him go? Why did she try to make it easier for him? What about her? What about her feelings? Why had she never been able to put her own happiness first? Why was she so devoted to others? She wished she was more selfish but she knew that it was not in her nature and she could never change that.


 


Nobody mentioned anything about Terry again. And Candy did everything to convince them that the news of his wedding had not affected her the least and life went on as usual.


 
Chapter 6





The mirror on the wall it tells no lies


And oh I don't like what I see



I see a woman there I watch her as she cries



And the woman isn't really me


 


But every day I get up, calm down, give up, hang around



Look for you, hold me, tender, set me free



I need to feel you put your hands around me



Day in, day out it's the same old story


 


You're out there on your own



Is she worth the price you pay



Got you in her chains



Will she set you free someday


 


I wish I didn't feel this way I can't get nothing done



And all I want to do is go to sleep



Though I lie in bed for hours I cannot close my eyes



And lonely days turn into lonely weeks


 


But every day I get up, calm down, give up, hang around



Look for you, tender, hold me, set me free



I need to feel you put your hands around me



Day in, day out, it's the same old story


 


You're out there on your own



Is she worth the price you pay



Got you in her chains



Will she set you free someday


 


Every now and then I think things might be all right



And I think I see a light beyond the door



Just as I approach it disappears again



And everything seems darker than before


 


But every day I get up, calm down, give up, hang around



Look for you, hold me, tender, set me free



I need to feel you put your hands around me



Day in, day out, it's the same old story


 


You're out there on your own



Is she worth the price you pay



Got you in her chains



Will she set you free someday


 


© Soul Asylum - Chains





Candy was walking back home from the hospital. Albert had bought her a car but most of the time, she just liked to walk. It was a forty-five minutes walk, and she enjoyed it. She would always daydream during those walks. Most of the time, it was about Terry. She would fantasize that she was going back to their home where he was waiting for her and she would catch herself almost running! Then the knowledge that he would not be there would sink in and she would not even care to get back home fast. What was the point? Sure, she loved Miss Pony, Sister Maria, Patricia and the children but it was not the same.

 


She would sometime stop walking and climb up a tree, or lay in a grassy field by the side of the road, and stay there like a fool, remembering everything, the way they used to talk, the songs that they used to dance to. She knew she had to try and leave the past behind but her memory was so good when it came to Terry. She was blaming herself for their breakup and Terryʼs following downfall, but most of all for never letting him know what her feelings were. The truth was that she had not fully realized the extent of her love for him until she heard about Susannaʼs accident. And made a decision she was now regretting. But it did not matter anymore. Terry was married and happy. And most importantly, he had become a successful actor. He had achieved his dream. How she would have loved to be by his side. All she had left to hope for was that time would do its healing work.


 


On that day, she was laying in the grass, ten minutes away from Ponyʼs home, staring at the clouds, when she heard a voice calling her name.


 


“Candy! Candy!” She stood up. She could make out a small figure running towards her. It was one of the kids from Ponyʼs home.


 


“Ah, there you are finally! Hurry, you must hurry back!”


 


ʽWhat is it Peter?” She asked, forgetting instantly her melancholy, worrying that something bad had happened.


 


“Itʼs Annie! Sheʼs been here for hours waiting for you! She wonʼt stop crying! She wonʼt tell us whatʼs wrong! She is just asking for you between sobs!”


 


“Letʼs go,” said Candy, grabbing Peter by the hand and starting to run. She could not imagine what would put Annie in such a state.


 


Upon their arrival, a visibly distraught Patricia greeted them.


 


“Thank God youʼre here!”


 


“Where is she?”


 


“In your room. Miss Pony and Sister Maria are with her.”


 


Candy quickly walked up the stairs to her bedroom. The door was ajar. She gave a light knock, feeling silly for knocking on her own bedroom door, and walked in.


 


Sister Maria was sitting on a chair, absentmindedly playing with the cross around her neck.


 


“Candy!”


 


“Where is she?”


 


“In the bathroom. She became hysterical. Miss Pony is trying to calm her down.”


 


Candy walked in the bathroom. Annie was sitting in the tub, her clothes on, soaking wet. Miss Pony was in with her, almost as wet, and was holding her in her arms, rocking and talking softly to her.


 


“Annie!” cried Candy.


 


Miss Pony and Annie looked up. Annieʼs gaze was empty. Miss Pony slowly got up, Candy running to help her out. Annie did not move.


 


“I could not get her to say anything. All she did was asking for you.” The sadness in Miss Ponyʼs voice was palpable. She left the bathroom.


 


Candy got in the tub and sat in front of Annie, the cold water remaining at the bottom of the tub soaking her dress.


 


“Annie….” Candy started softly.


 


Annie looked up into her best friendʼs eyes.


 


“Oh Candy! This is too horrible!” And she started to cry heavily.


 


Candy took her in her arms and rocked her a bit, murmuring comforting words into her ear. Five minutes later, Annie had calmed down. She was shivering with cold.


 


“Letʼs get you out of here before you catch a cold.” Candy helped her out, undressed her, dried her body, her hair, and dressed her up with one of her own dress. Annie obediently let Candy take care of her as if she were a little child.


 


They went into the bedroom. Miss Pony and Sister Maria were gone. The door has been shut to give them some privacy. They sat on the bed.


 


“Annie… Iʼm here. Are you ready to tell me what happened now?” Candy was extremely anxious. Something quite horrible must have happened for Annie to be in such a state of shock.


 


“Itʼs about Archie…” she started in a shaky voice.


 


Upon hearing her cousinʼs name, Candy felt a terrible sense of dread creep upon her. Anthony, Stear, and now Archie, it all made sense. The three cousins indeed had been cursed.


 


“What about him? Is he OK?”


 


“You need to talk to him! Please!”


 


Candy felt instantly relieved, if Annie wanted her to talk to him, it meant he was alive!


 


“Talk to him about what?”


 


“He canʼt go! I wonʼt be able to live without him!”


 


“Oh no!” thought Candy, “He has decided to join the army.” The war was still raging in Europe and the United States had joined in. The army propaganda was everywhere, they were looking for young men to send to battle. Archibald had been acting weird since his brother disappearance, he seemed sad quite often, and Annieʼs best efforts to comfort him did not seem to work very well. So maybe he wanted to follow in his brother footsteps.


 


“ Go where?” She finally asked.


 


“To California!” screamed Annie before falling on the bed, in tears.


 


California! Candy was stunned. Annie was throwing a fit because Archibald was going to California?


 


“Annie, Iʼm afraid I donʼt understand… “


 


Annie sat up on the bed, dried her tears with her dress, and started to talk.


 


“He told me today. He is leaving next week. For Los Angeles. At Albertʼs request.”


 


“Albert?”


 


“He wants to invest in some movie thing… He cannot go himself so he asked Archie if he wanted to go. And Archie agreed!” She started to cry again.


 


Candy was getting irritated by Annieʼs cries. Her whole attitude was out of line. She had blown everything out of proportion. Archibald was going on a business trip for Godʼs sake, what was so awful about that?


 


She nevertheless put a comforting hand on Annieʼs shoulder.


 


“Sweetie… Iʼm sorry to say this but… What is so bad about Archie going to Los Angeles?”


 


Annie shot her a look full of reproach.


 


ʽWhat is wrong with that? If the deal goes thru he may be staying definitively in Los Angeles!”


 


“And how would that be so awful? I heard that it is a nice city. What would prevent you guys from getting married and move there permanently?”


 


“You donʼt understand! He doesnʼt want me to go with him! He said he wants a break, he wants to figure out what to do with his life before committing to anything with me!”


 


“Well… That does not mean the end of your relationship. You can still write each other…. Sounds to me like you are making a lot of assumptions and picturing the worst. Did you even express your concerns to him? ”


 


“No, I canʼt! Iʼm not as strong as you Candy! I would just cry. Oh Candy, I need him by my side!”


 


Candy felt sad for her friend. She depended too much on Archibald. It was in her nature, she had first depended on Candy, then on Mrs. Brighton and now on Archibald. She had never been able to function on her own. And if her current emotional state was to be an indication of what was to come, she never would.


 


“Annie… You need to trust him. He went through a lot with Stearʼs death, and his parents going back on the road when he needed them most. He loves you, heʼll be back for you. Maybe you could use the time alone to think about what you want to do with your



life,” Candy suggested.


 


Annie gave Candy a look filled with anger.


 


“Oh my God Candy! Donʼt you get it? He doesnʼt love me! If I let him go, he wonʼt come back!”


 


Candy was stunned.


 


“Annie, you are being hysterical. Of course he loves you. You are talking non-sense.”


 


“I cannot believe you donʼt see it! He likes me and cares a lot about me but he does not LOVE me! He only keeps me around because he promised you heʼll be there for me.”


 


“But…”


 


“Donʼt say anything. I know his feelings for you have not changed. He still loves you. But I love him. I cannot picture my life without him. I live for the day Iʼll become Mrs. Archibald Cornwell. Please talk to him, heʼll listen to you. Make him stay with me. I beg you.” Annie pleaded.


 


Deep inside, Candy did not want to interfere with Annieʼs love life. But she knew that if she did not, Annie would be miserable, and who knows what she would do.


 


“Ok Annie, Iʼll talk to him this week-end.” Candy was off and she had planned to go to Lakewood anyway, since she had not seen Albert or Archibald for a while. So she figured she might as well talk to Archibald.


 


“Oh, thank you Candy, I know you would not let me down!”, said a grateful Annie, hugging her friend.


 


“But Annie, I want you to keep in mind that ultimately, heʼll do what he wants to do. I wonʼt pressure him.”


 


“Oh, donʼt worry, I know heʼll do whatever you tell him to do!”


 


Candy did not like to the way Annie was talking and instantly regretted agreeing to talk to Archibald. Maybe he was right, maybe going away was the right thing to do.


 


“Annie… Please. Iʼd really like you to realize that he may go to Los Angeles regardless of what I tell him. I do not intend on forcing him to do anything. And if you love him as much as you say you do, youʼll accept his decision, whatever it is.”


 


“How could I accept it if it involves not being together?” Annie was tearing up again.


 


“Because when you truly love someone, you want what is best for him, even it that hurts you.”


 


“But what about me?”


 


“Love is about putting the other personʼs happiness first. But this discussion is pointless. We donʼt know for a fact that he will be gone for good and will not want to see you ever again. Iʼm telling you, even if he stays in Los Angeles, he may realize he needs you by his side. And I still think that being apart for a while is the perfect opportunity for you to grow and mature as a person.”


 


Annie gave her a quizzical look. She clearly had no clue what she was talking about.


 


“Nevermind Sweetie. Come on, letʼs go see the others.”


 


The rest of the day went by without another meltdown from Annie, which Candy was thankful for since she did not have any patience left. Annie and her laments had drained her. For the first time in awhile, she went to bed without thinking about Terry and fell asleep as soon as her head hit her pillow.


 
Chapter 7




When the day is long and the night, the night is yours alone,


When you're sure you've had enough of this life, well hang on.



Don't let yourself go, everybody cries and everybody hurts sometimes.


 


Sometimes everything is wrong. Now it's time to sing along.



When your day is night alone,



If you feel like letting go,



When you think you've had too much of this life, well hang on.


 


Everybody hurts. Take comfort in your friends.



Everybody hurts. Don't throw your hand. Oh, no. Don't throw your hand.



If you feel like you're alone, no, no, no, you are not alone


 


If you're on your own in this life, the days and nights are long,



When you think you've had too much of this life to hang on.


 


Well, everybody hurts sometimes,



Everybody cries. And everybody hurts sometimes.



And everybody hurts sometimes. So, hold on, hold on.


 


© REM – Everybody Hurts





On Saturday, Candy left Ponyʼs home early. At her arrival at the Lakewood mansion, she was greeted by Archibald.

 


“Candy! Itʼs so good to see you.” He said, taking Candy into his arms in a warm embrace.


 


“Hi Archie! Iʼm happy to see you too. Where is Albert?”


 


“He went for a walk by the lake, he should be back for lunch.”


 


Archibald insisted on picking up her suitcase. They entered the house.


 


“Let me show you to your room.” They climbed up the stairs in silence and entered Candyʼs room. A vase of freshly cut Sweet Candy roses was on the desk.


 


Archibald put her suitcase on the bed.


 


“You should come here more often Candy. This room is always ready for you. New flowers are being arranged every day, housekeeping cleans it twice a week. You know, Albert would love it for you to live here on a permanent basis.”


 


Albert had asked her to move in several times, insisting that it was her house as much as his. Candy felt she did not belong here, all the opulence was too much for her humble upbringing and simple nature. Moreover, too many bittersweet memories were attached to this house. And most importantly, she liked her independence and enjoyed helping out at Ponyʼs home.


 


Candy had no doubt Albert had asked Archibald to ask her about it and she really wanted to drop that subject.


 


“Archie, I want to put some flowers on Stearʼs and Anthonyʼs graves. Would you like to come with me?”


 


“Of course Candy, letʼs go.”


 


They went to the rose garden where they composed two bouquets then walked in silence to the farther end of the garden, where members of the family had been buried for years.


 


“If you donʼt mind, Iʼd like to be alone with Anthony…”


 


“Sure,” said Archie, “Iʼll be with Stear…” His voice broke into a sob.


 


“I miss him so much too…” Candy hugged him briefly and they both went their ways.


 


By the time Candy arrived in front of Anthonyʼs grave, her knees were shaking badly. The white marble was shining under the sun. There were rose bushes planted all around, most of them in desperate need of pruning.


 


She sat on the edge of the tombstone, running her fingers slowly on the marble.


 


“Hello Anthony… Sorry for not coming more often… I did not forget you. Youʼre always in my heart. I miss you. Everybody does. I hope you are with your Mother now and that you both welcomed dear Stear….” Candy was crying. The tears were running down her cheeks, trailing down her neck on to her dress. She wiped her eyes with her sleeve. She put her bouquet inside a marble vase.


 


“I am so sad Anthony… I donʼt know what to do… So many things happened since you left… Good things, and bad things… So many things I would have wanted to share with you… But we can catch up. Iʼll be staying at Lakewood this week-end so Iʼll come and visit you again. Iʼll also take care of those roses, and maybe plant a few more.” She slowly got up.


 


“Iʼll see you tomorrow Anthony.”


 


She walked to Stearʼs grave where Archibald was standing, head low. Candy put her arm around his waist and leaned her head on his shoulder.


 


“Are you OK?”


 


Archibald looked at her, the immense sadness he was feeling apparent in his eyes.


 


“No, Iʼm not. This is so unfair… First Anthony, then Stear… It is just me now….” He sobbed. “Sorry to let you see this. I keep telling myself life has to go on but I just canʼt… “


 


“It takes time Archie… Be patient…” She took his hand and they started to walk back home.


 


“Iʼm thinking about going away for a while,” Archie suddenly said.


 


“What? Where? Does Annie know?” Candy decided to act like she did not know anything.


 


“Yes, she does… I donʼt think sheʼs happy with my decision but this is something I have to do. Annie has been great through it all but I need to go away, to be somewhere different, meet new people, you know?”


 


Candy understood all too well, she had felt the same way before.


 


“What do you have in mind?” she asked.


 


“Los Angeles. Albert is actually the one who mentioned it to me. He is thinking about investing in a movie venture. Some actors are getting together to form a movie company or something like that. He gave me the file but I did not read it thoroughly yet. He offered me to go there, meet with all the parties involved and give him a summary of the situation so that he could make the final decision.”


 


“And what are your thoughts?”


 


“I said yes. I need to figure out what to do with my life and that will give me a feel for business. Maybe Iʼd like it and would like to work for Andrew Enterprises.”


 


“Iʼm sure youʼd be a terrific businessman Archie!”


 


ʽWeʼll see about that…”


 


“Archie, I hate to ask you but… What about Annie?”


 


“What about her?”


 


“What are your intentions toward her?”


 


“Well… Thatʼs the other reason why I need to get away. She expects me to propose and… I donʼt know if I can do it. Iʼm too young to commit to something like that. I need to figure out what I want to do with my life before thinking about marriage. And marrying Annie is not something I feel comfortable with. I donʼt want to be living a lie. It would not be fair to Annie… or to me.”


 


Candy looked at him, outraged, but Archibald resumed his talk before she had a chance to interrupt.


 


“Please Candy, donʼt be so quick to judge me. Listen to me. I care a lot about Annie but Iʼm not sure she is the one I want to spend the rest of my life with…”


 


“She is madly in love with you!”


 


“Does that make me obliged to be madly in love with her? Candy, this is not how it works. If you were to follow your own reasoning, you then should be marrying Neil who is madly in love you.”


 


“No! This is totally different!”


 


“How so?”


 


“I despise Neil! How can you even compare that filth to sweet Annie?”


 


“Iʼm not comparing them, Iʼm comparing our respective situations.”


 


“Well, they are not comparable!”


 


“Why not?”


 


“Because… Because… Annie truly deeply loves you! The love Neil supposedly feels for me is just a whim that will pass as fast as it came.”


 


“How can you be so sure about that? Itʼs been two years now and that creep still hangs around you any chance he gets!”


 


“I know what love is and stalking is not love!”


 


“Well, I happen to know what love is too and I am afraid what I feel for Annie is not it.”


 


“But you promised… Listen, Iʼm very worried about her. She is a loner and without you, Iʼm scared sheʼll feel very isolated.”


 


“Candy… Canʼt you see? I made that promise for you. I knew it was a mistake but I did it anyway, only to be agreeable to you.”


 


“Stop it Archie, please.”


 


“No, not this time, you need to hear it. I love you Candy, I love you so much it hurts. When I heard about Neilʼs plan to marry you, I wanted to strangle him with my bare hands.”


 


“Archie, please! I love you very much, as a dear friend, nothing more. And even if I did feel something deeper, nothing could ever happen between us, I could never do that to Annie…”


 


“What about you Candy? When are you going to stop putting othersʼ happiness before your own? Donʼt you want to be happy?” He asked, dismayed and deeply hurt by her rejection.


 


“What are you talking about? I am perf…”


 


“Terrence Grandchester! I know what happened between the two of you.”


 


Candy felt herself flushed. She had not told anyone about the reason of her breakup with Terry, she had been very vague, saying that things just did not work out.


 


“I know what you did, the sacrifice you made. And you are now expecting me to do the same thing. To deny what I feel deep inside and settle for something I donʼt want. Iʼm sorry Candy, I canʼt. Call me selfish, call me whatever you want. I need to be true to myself. I wonʼt make any promises to Annie only to please you anymore. I donʼt want to live a life based on a lie. Iʼm not asking you to love me. I know you wonʼt. But please, donʼt push me to be with Annie. She is a sweet girl, she deserves better.”


 


Candy knew Archibald was right and realized there was no point trying to change his mind.


 


“Can you promise me something?”


 


“What?”


 


“Donʼt tell any of this to Annie just yet. Wait to see what will happen in California. Maybe youʼll miss her…”


 


“Maybe I will…” Said Archibald, not really believing it. Then he added, as a second thought: “What about you, can you make me a promise? Can you face your feelings, admit to yourself what you feel deep inside your heart, and act on it, without worrying about the right or wrong of the situation? If anyone deserves to be happy Candy, it is you.”


 


“Archie, I appreciate your concern but Iʼm perfectly fine with the way my life is. I… ” Candy started.


 


“ Candy, stop lying to me, and most of all stop lying to yourself! You still love him donʼt you?” he interrupted.


 


“ I donʼt know anymore,” answered Candy sadly, running away toward the house.


 


She arrived and was greeted by Albert. Her face was red from running, she was panting, her hair was a mess.


 


“Albert!” she cried, running into his arms.


 


“Candy! Whatʼs the matter?”


 


ʽNothing, Iʼm so happy to see you, I missed you so much.”


 


“I missed you too little one.” Albert was looking down the alley and saw Archibald walking back.


 


“Were you and Archibald at the graveyard?”


 


“We were… “


 


“Is that why you look so sad?”


 


“No…. Archibald and I had a talk….”


 


“I see… About his departure for Los Angeles?”


 


“Among other things….”


 


“Letʼs go to my office Candy.”


 


They walked up the short flight of stairs that led to the entrance of the house. They went in Albertʼs office and sat on the couch.


 


“Is there anything you want to tell me about?”


 


“Please forbid Archie to go! Annie is not going to survive without him!”


 


“Iʼm sorry Candy but I cannot do that. I only gave him an opportunity. It is his choice to go. He has been feeling low lately and truly needs a change of scenery. Annie is going to have to accept it.”


 


“She canʼt. She came to me crying, begging for my help.”


 


“Iʼm afraid it is time for Annie to grow up. And for you to accept you cannot interfere with peopleʼs life all the time.”


 


“I do not interfere with peopleʼs life!”


 


“ Candy, come on now! I do not criticize you! But you are not doing Annie any favor by always sorting her problems out for her. It is a laudable quality to try and help people but you sometime try a bit too hard!”


 


Candy did not know what to say. Was she really like that?


 


“Candy, I know what happened in New York. And in Rocktown.”


 


“What? But… How?”


 


“Eleanor Baker. I met her at a charity event in Philadelphia a few weeks after she revealed to the world she was Terryʼs mother. I approached her and we talked about our children. She highly praised you. She is convinced you saved her sonʼs life. But she also regrets the two of you never worked things out. She is convinced you are made for each other. That was of course prior to Terryʼs wedding…”


 


Candyʼs eyes filled with tears.


 


“Little one, you are brave and strong. Terry is lucky to be loved by you. What you did is admirable. In your place, Iʼm not sure I would have been able to go through with it. And you never said a word about it. I was a bit hurt to learn it all from Miss Baker. I thought we were friends…”


 


“Iʼm sorry Albert! I just did not want to bother you… You had enough problems.”


 


“There you go again, thinking about others first when you clearly could have used a friend! You know Candy, people would not like you any less if you were asking for help and support when you need it. Thatʼs what friends are for.”


 


“I guess Iʼm incorrigible,” laughed Candy, desperately wanting a way out of this conversation.


 


ʽYou sure are! But I love you for it. What you went through must have been pretty traumatic, and I admire you for managing to keep on going as usual. Losing something you canʼt replace, loving someone but it all goes to waste. It must have been a terrible burden Candy. Would you like to tell me about it now?”


 


Candy looked down and twisted nervously her hands. She had kept it all inside for too long. Albert was right. She needed help. She took a deep breath and started talking, keeping her head down.


 


“For a long time, even though I tried to deny it, I was in love with Terry. Not only in love, I was obsessed with a friendship that I thought no one else could touch. When it didn't work out the way I had imagined, I thought the pain would kill me. I had never felt anything like it before, not even after Anthonyʼs passing… I was crushed. For the first time in my life, I felt desperation. And I felt life cheated me. I was angry. I was not asking for much, all I wanted were simple things, a simple kind of life. And all I needed was a simple man so I could be a wife. And I truly believed that Terry would be this man. I always thought I'd be a mom, Terry seemed like he'd be a good dad. Sometimes I wish for a mistake... Iʼm so ashamed to have those thoughts. Terry is married to another who will have his children… And I just have to find a way move on. But Iʼm too in love to let him go. It hurts so much Albert, so much.” She lifted her head up. She was crying.


 


Albert took her in his arms.


 


“Candy... Itʼs Ok to feel the way you do. It just proves youʼre human. Nothingʼs wrong with that. Nobody expects you to be happy all the time. You donʼt have to always be the strong one. I know Iʼm the one who told you that you are prettier when you smile but it is fine to cry, you are not made of stone. Anytime you need to talk, no matter where I am, call me. Iʼll always be there for you. Please Candy, donʼt ever keep anything like that to yourself.”


 


“Thank you Albert.” Candy felt better. She dried her tears and they all had lunch on the terrace overlooking the rose garden. Archibald talked a lot about his upcoming trip and Candy realized he had not been that excited about something for a long time. Then they went horseback riding and by the time the evening was there, Candy felt almost back to her old self. Being with Archibald and Albert had cheered her up in a way she had not expected, simply because for the first time in a long while, she felt she did not have to pretend.


 
Chapter 8




When you were here before


Couldn't look you in the eye



You're just like an angel



Your skin makes me cry



You float like a feather



In a beautiful world



I wish I was special



You're so *** special


 


But I'm a creep



I'm a weirdo



What the hell am I doing here?



I don't belong here


 


I don't care if it hurts



I want to have control



I want a perfect body



I want a perfect soul



I want you to notice when I'm not around



You're so *** special



I wish I was special


 


But I'm a creep



I'm a weirdo



What the hell I'm doing here?



I don't belong here


 


She's running out again



She's running out



She runs runs runs


 


Whatever makes you happy



Whatever you want



You're so *** special



I wish I was special


 


But I'm a creep



I'm a weirdo



What the hell am I doing here?



I don't belong here



I don't belong here


 


© Radiohead - Creep





Neil Leegan was nervously pacing his bedroom. It was Sunday morning, crack of dawn. He had barely slept, thank to his sister who had felt compelled to tell him she had seen Candy and Archie cozying it up at the Lakewood Mansion.

 


“I was going to talk to Uncle William about this project of mine when I saw them in the graveyard. They looked really close. The stable girl just cannot help herself, she always has to steal othersʼ boyfriends. And behaving in such a way in such a sacred place, what a slut,” she had said, a triumphant smirk on her face. “I wonder if they did it on a tombstone…” she had not resisted to add, just to torture her brother some more.


 


Neil had refused to believe any of it. His sister was a great exaggerator who held an eternal grunge against Candy. And even if a small part of it was true, it did not mean anything. Nevertheless, it had bothered him enough to trouble his sleep. Even going to see Virginia had not helped. He had met Virginia in a bar, two years ago. Instantly, he had been attracted to the green eyes and freckles. She was a hooker and he quickly became her regular and most profitable customer. He had insisted she dyed and curled her hair in order to be the spitting image of Candy, and he had been quite pleased with the result. As long as she did not open her mouth, he could live his fantasy. For he could not get Candy out of his head, much to the dismay of his mother and sister who kept trying to set him up with girls who met their approval. He was living for the Sundays he spent at Ponyʼs Home. He was ready to do anything to be near her. He firmly believed that his persistence would eventually pay off. But his sister had taken care of shattering that illusion the night before.


 


He looked at his clock. Six a.m. He could not wait any longer, he had to see her.


 


He quickly left the house, so absorbed in his dark thoughts he did not realize he was being followed by his sister.







**************





Candy woke up from the best sleep she had in months. A glance at the clock on her bedside table told her it was 7 a.m. Sunday brunch was far away. She would have enough time to go by Anthonyʼs grave and tend to the roses.

 


She quickly put on pants and a shirt, put her hair up in a messy knot and went down to the kitchen. She drank an orange juice and went out to the garden shed where she grabbed a pair of shears and a wicker basket. She briskly went down the alley to the path leading to the graveyard, enjoying the warmth from the early sun.


 


A pair of hazel eyes were following her every movements.





**************




She looked at her work and was very pleased with the result. Anthonyʼs grave was neat, she had trimmed every single rose bushes, discarded the dead flowers, removed the weeds.

 


“Well Anthony, this is the best I can do. What do you think?”


 


She was sweaty and rubbed her brow with a muddy hand, splattering dirt all over it. She felt a lose curl rubbing her nose and she blew on it to push it away. She let out a deep yawn and stretched. Her back was aching. She lay down in the grass, intending to rest awhile but she fell asleep as soon as her head touched the ground.


 


She was dreaming. She was dancing with Anthony. They were twirling around a huge room, oblivious to the people around them. Suddenly, Anthony took her face between his hands and kissed her softly on the lips. She answered the kiss eagerly. Then Anthony became more aggressive, trying to force his tongue down her throat. Candy tried to push him but he was stronger. She kept trying and woke up, only to feel someoneʼs lips on hers. She opened her eyes and saw Neil.


 


Neil realized his victim had woken up and stopped, his body still resting on hers, immobilizing her. She let out a shriek. Neil quickly applied his hand on her mouth.


 


“Hush Darling. Donʼt be afraid. Iʼm not going to hurt you. I only want to make you happy. Donʼt scream. Iʼll remove my hand if you promise to be quiet.”


 


One look at him made Candy realized that he was insane. She shook her head yes. Neil removed his hand.


 


“Thatʼs my girl,” he said, caressing her cheeks.


 


Candy felt her skin crawl under his touch. She had to come up with a way out of this quickly. She could not bear to think about what would happen if she did not.


 


Neil was now kissing her throat, breathing heavily, his hands running on her body, mumbling some words she could not make out. Candy started to panic. She moved her head to the side, intending to avoid his lips, and saw with intense relief that the shears were within her reach. She stretched her hand and closed her fingers on the handle. She moved her arm so that the shears were touching Neilʼs neck.


 


“Get up. Now. Or I swear to God Iʼll kill you.”


 


Neil looked at her, incredulous.


 


“Get off me!” Candy screamed.


 


Neil, in a daze, complied. The taste of Candyʼs skin on his lips had driven him wild, he had not been able to control himself.


 


“Iʼm sorry… I donʼt know what got into me…”


 


“Shut up!” Candy was up, facing him, the shears extended in front of her. Tears were running down her cheeks.


 


“Iʼm sorry… I didnʼt mean to scare you. Itʼs just that I love you so much. Please donʼt cry.” He was slowly moving towards her.


 


“Stay back!”


 


“Please Candy, I need to take you in my arms.”


 


“Neil you bloody fool!” came a mocking voice. Eliza was standing behind him, watching him with utter contempt. “It is not bad enough to be in love with this stable girl, you were now going to rape her. Are you out of your mind? Do you realize the effect that would have had on the family?”


 


Upon hearing his sisterʼs voice, Neil froze. Candy had never thought she would be happy to see Eliza.


 


“Eliza, take him away.”


 


“I will, donʼt worry. First, give me those shears before you hurt yourself.”


 


Candy handed her the shears and before she had a chance to realize what was happening, Eliza had stabbed Neil in the stomach and was running away, screaming.


 


“Help! Help! She killed him, Oh my God, she killed him! Help!”


 


The nurse in Candy took over. She bent down and looked at Neil. He was on the ground, passed out, the shears still in his stomach. Blood was gushing out. Candy quickly removed the shears, and tore down Neilʼs shirt to expose the wound. She took off her own shirt and used it to apply pressure and try to stop the hemorrhage.





***********



Elizaʼs cries had attracted quite a crowd and people were gathered in front of the house, trying to figure out what had happened, when she arrived, disheveled and out of breath. Albert and Archibald were there.

 


“Help! You got to help me!” Eliza sounded hysterical and was running in circles. Albert grabbed her by the shoulders and made her look at him.


 


“Eliza, calm down. What happened? Who needs help?”


 


“Neil! She killed him!”


 


“What are you talking about?”


 


“Candy! She killed Neil!”


 


Albert could not believe what he was hearing.


 


“You are lying you little pest,” Archibald started, stepping forward and grabbing Eliza by the arm.


 


“I wish I was! Go see for yourself!”


 


“Dorothy, call Doctor Miller.” Said Albert, running down toward the graveyard.


 


“Iʼm coming with you!” said Archibald.


 


“No! Stay with Eliza.”


 


“Sheʼs lying Albert! Look at her! She is faking her hysteria! Donʼt let her fool you. Itʼs one of her dirty trick.” Archibald yelled at Albert who was already half-way down the driveway.


 


“How dare you call me a liar! Face it my dear cousin: your little orphan friend is a killer! She killed Anthony and now she killed my brother!” She went on crying.


 


“ Betsey, please take care of her,” he called to a maid while running after Albert.


 


“You fool, youʼll never learn, you should have listen to your uncle and keep me company… You are making everything too easy for me,” thought Eliza to herself. “Betsey, help me inside the house, I need to phone my parents,” she said authoritatively, no trace of distress left in her voice. “But before, I need to call the police… And the press…” she thought with a mean grin. This time, she would have her revenge, that stable girl was toasted, she would be charged with murder and spend the rest of her life in jail.
 
Chapter 9




Oh, why you look so sad?


Tears are in your eyes



Come on and come to me now



Don't be ashamed to cry



Let me see you through



'Cause I've seen the dark side too



When the night falls on you



You don't know what to do



Nothing you confess



Could make me love you less



I'll stand by you



I'll stand by you



Won't let nobody hurt you



I'll stand by you



So if you're mad, get mad



Don't hold it all inside



Come on and talk to me now



Hey, what you got to hide?



I get angry too



Well Iʼm a lot like you



When you're standing at the crossroads



And don't know which path to choose



Let me come along



'Cause even if you're wrong



I'll stand by you



I'll stand by you



Won't let nobody hurt you



I'll stand by you



Take me in, into your darkest hour



And I'll never desert you



I'll stand by you



© The Pretenders – Iʼll Stand By You





When Albert arrived in the graveyard, he found Candy, in her chemise, hunched over Neilʼs body.

 


“Candy!” screamed Albert, kneeling next to her.


 


“Oh Albert! Eliza stabbed him! It all happened so fast, there was nothing I could do….”


 


“How is he doing?”


 


“I think I stopped the hemorrhage, but he needs to be seen by a doctor as soon as possible. He lost some blood and I have no way of knowing if some vital organs are damaged.”


 


“Doctor Miller is on his way.”


 


“Good. I think it is better we do not move him till the doctor sees him, Iʼm afraid to disturb the wound.”


 


Archibald arrived at the scene, panting.


 


“Candy! Are you OK? What happened?”


 


“Archibald! I told you to stay with Eliza!” Said Albert, visibly displeased by the presence of his nephew.


 


“She is fine Albert, I was too worried about Candy.”


 


“Iʼm OK Archie, thanks.”


 


“Archibald Cornwell! I expressly wanted you to stay there to make sure Eliza was not going to cause any more trouble!”


 


Right then, Archibald realized his mistake and ran back to the house.


 


“Candy, Eliza told us you killed her brother.”


 


“What? This is crazy! She is the one who stabbed him!”


 


“Tell me exactly what happened.”


 


“I came here early to prune the roses. I got tired and fell asleep. When I woke up, Neil was on top of me, kissing me. I told him to stop, he wouldnʼt. So I grabbed the shears and asked him to go away. He did. Then Eliza came. I asked her to take her brother with her and leave. She said she would but first she wanted me to hand the shears over to her so that I would not hurt myself. I complied and thatʼs when she stabbed him and just ran off screaming at the top of her lungs. This is all my fault… What an idiot, why did I give her a potential weapon?” Lamented Candy.


 


“I cannot believe she would do that… And now she is blaming it on you.”


 


“Of course she is! She is always blaming anything and everything on me! She hates me! I cannot believe she went as far as stabbing her own brother though…”


 


“Letʼs hope Neil will regain consciousness soon and will tell what really happened… Because right now, it is your word against hers…”


 


“But you believe me Albert, donʼt you?” Asked a deeply distressed Candy.


 


“Of course I do little one. How can you even doubt it? And anybody who knows you will as well. But I donʼt know how that would hold up in court…” Albertʼs mind was already moving forward to the implications of Elizaʼs ultimate treachery.


 


“In court?” Candy asked in disbelief.


 


“I know Eliza and I would bet my life that as soon as Archie left, she ran to the phone and called the police.”


 


As to confirm his suspicion, they heard sirens screaming in the quiet morning air.


 


“This is crazy! I did not do anything! Eliza stabbed her own brother!”


 


“I know, but donʼt worry. Weʼll find a way for the truth to be exposed. Trust me.” Albert said, giving Candy a reassuring hug.





**********




Archibald arrived at the mansion to find Dr. Miller and the police, surrounding a crying Eliza who was giving her version of the facts.

 


“Doctor, you need to go down to the graveyard, thatʼs where Neil is.”


 


“He does not need a doctor anymore… My poor brother… You must go and arrest Candy!”


 


“Please Doctor, go without any further delay.”


 


“We are all going down,” said a policeman who appeared to be in charged.


 


They all went back to their cars and drove to the graveyard.


 


“Eliza, what did you do?”


 


“Not a thing! Candy went crazy and killed my brother!”


 


“Shut up you filthy liar!”


 


“She is a murderer Archie, your precious Candy is nothing more than a common murderer! Accept it!”


 


“You know as well as I do she would not hurt a fly. And if you think anybody will believe you, you are crazier than I thought.”


 


They were interrupted by the arrival of Mr. and Mrs. Leegan.


 


“Eliza, what happened?” Sarah Leegan asked.


 


Eliza went running into her motherʼs arms.


 


“Oh Mommy, this is horrible. Candy stabbed Neil.”


 


“What?”


 


“He wanted to talk to her, you know how enamored the poor fool was, and she just stabbed him.”


 


“Aunt Sarah, she is lying, Candy would never do such a thing.”


 


Sarah Leegan was red with rage. She looked furiously at her husband and spat:


 


“This is all your fault! Youʼre the one who brought her into our family and now look what happened!”


 


“Sarah, stay calm. We donʼt know what happened. Letʼs wait for the police.”


 


“ Yeah, letʼs wait for the police to come back with the stable girl in handcuffs, this is going to be quite a sight…”


 


Archibald was clutching his fists, using all his determination not to punch his most hated cousin and cursing himself for having left her alone, for who else could have called the police?





**********




Dr. Miller and the two policemen arrived at the scene. Dr. Miller examined Neil very carefully. Everybody stood around him in silence, waiting for his diagnosis.

 


“The injury is serious, but not life-threatening. There is a cut on the abdominal wall but no vital organs seem to be punctured. Miss Andrew, you did a very good job of stopping the hemorrhage and most likely saved this young manʼs life. Iʼm going to take him to Saint Joanʼs, stitch him up and order a blood transfusion. He should regain consciousness within a day or two. Now if you gentlemen could help me transport him to the back of my car.”


 


Albert and one of the policemen carefully moved Neil to the car. The other policeman addressed Candy:


 


“Miss Andrew? Inspector Keller. I gathered you were with the victim when the incident occurred.”


 


“I was….”


 


ʽWould you mind describing to me in your own words what happened.” Keller asked, taking out a pen and a notebook.


 


“Wait a second Candy. You donʼt have to answer his questions without a lawyer,” interrupted Albert, who had hurried back from the doctorʼs car as soon as he had seen Keller approaching Candy.


 


“Mr. Andrew, I understand your concern but your daughter has nothing to worry about, she is not accused of anything. This is just a preliminary interrogation.”


 


“Itʼs fine Albert, I have nothing to hide,” said Candy.


 


Candy repeated to the inspector the story she had told Albert a few minutes ago. Keller was listening carefully and taking notes.


 


“What kind of relationship do you have with Neil Leegan?”


 


“Heʼs my cousin… Thatʼs about it.”


 


“I seem to remember you were engaged to him a few years ago…”


 


“I wasnʼt! He wanted to force me to marry him!”


 


“Inspector, this is irrelevant to the present situation”, Albert objected.


 


“Mr. Andrew, I would appreciate it if you would refrain from interfering with my interview of the witness. This is all she is at this point, a witness, so there is no point in being so defensive. Miss Andrew, what I meant by my question was how do you feel about Neil Leegan. Would you consider him a friend?”


 


“Not really.”


 


“What about Eliza Leegan. Is she a friend of yours?”


 


“ Eliza? No! She hates me! Sheʼs been nothing but trouble for me since the day I met her. She accused me of stealing her motherʼs jewelry among numerous other things. She even tried to have me kicked out from a boarding school we were attending in London.”


 


“I see. Thatʼs it for now. Thank you for your cooperation. I would like for you to remain in Chicago for the remaining of the investigation. I will interview Neil Leegan as soon as he is well enough and we will hopefully get to the bottom of this. As you know, Miss Leegan is saying you cold-bloodedly stabbed her brother.”


 


“This is a lie!” cried an outraged Candy.


 


“And Iʼm sure sheʼll say the same thing about your version of the facts…. Good day Miss Andrew. Sir. And please remember, you are to stay in Chicago till the case is closed.”


 


Candy and Albert watched Keller get in his car and drive away. Candy felt numb. She could not believe what was happening.


 


“Come on Candy, letʼs go,” said Albert, wrapping one arm around her shoulders. They walked silently back to the house where they found the Leegans with Archibald.


 


“You little tramp! If he dies, youʼll pay!” Sarah started to scream. The tears Candy had been holding back started to flow. She had been closed to being raped, had witnessed a vicious stabbing and was now being yelled at. Archibald took her in his arms and led her inside the house.


 


“Enough Sarah. Iʼd ask you to leave. Now.” Albert said coldly.


 


“And you, you are a disgrace to our family. You are irresponsible. Tragedy entered this family since the very day you adopted her. Your folly is going to cost me my son!”


 


“Sarah, letʼs go.” Said Mr. Leegan.


 


“Where is Eliza?” Asked Albert who had noticed the absence of the red-haired girl.


 


“She went with her brother. When she learnt he was alive, she said she wanted to be by his side till he regains consciousness. They are so close. I donʼt want to think how devastated she would have been if that girl had succeeded in killing him.”


 


“Donʼt make accusations Sarah. You donʼt know what happened.” Mr. Leegan tried to reason his wife.


 


“What? Are you taking that girlʼs side?”


 


“Please go finish this conversation elsewhere,” Albert said, leaving them.


 


He went in the house where he found Candy and Archie in the living room. Candy was drinking a glass of water.


 


“How are you holding up little one?”


 


“Iʼve been better…”


 


ʽIʼm going to call my lawyer, see if there is any preemptive measures we can take.”


 


“First of all we need to prevent Eliza to talk to Neil. Iʼm sure she will try to force him to lie. Knowing her, she probably has something to black mail him with.” Archibald said.


 


“Iʼm going to call inspector Keller about that immediately.” He left the room.


 


“Iʼm so sorry Candy. I cannot believe this creep put his filthy hands on you…”


 


“Please Archibald, donʼt remind me of that. I want to go lay down for a while.”


 


“Of course. Iʼm sorry for being so insensitive.”


 


Candy went to her bedroom, lay down on her bed with her clothes on and slept a dreamless sleep till the next day. Albert and Archibald kept checking on her. Albert put a blanket over her. Archibald wanted to wake her up for dinner but Albert convinced him that it was better she slept as long as she could now for who knows what will happen when Neil will come to.


 


“You donʼt think she did it, do you?”


 


“Of course not! But I know Eliza will do everything in her power to convince the world she did it.”


 
Chapter 10




Oh no, I see,


A spiderweb, it's tangled up with me,



And I lost my head,



The thought of all the stupid things I said,



Oh no what's this?



A spider web, and I'm caught in the middle,



So I turned to run,



The thought of all the stupid things I've done,



I never meant to cause you trouble,



And I never meant to do you wrong,



And I, well if I ever caused you trouble,



O no, I never meant to do you harm.



Oh no I see,



A spider web and it's me in the middle,



So I twist and turn,



Here I am in my little bubble,



Singing, I never meant to cause you trouble,



I never meant to do you wrong,



And I, well if I ever caused you trouble,



Although I never meant to do you harm.



They spun a web for me,



They spun a web for me,



They spun a web for me.


 


© Coldplay – Trouble





Candy woke up, not quite knowing where she was. When she realized she was still in her clothes, the memory of the previous day came up and she ran to the bathroom to vomit. She took a long shower, got dressed and went down to the living room where Archibald and Albert were having breakfast.

 


“Candy! How do you feel?” Asked a worried Archibald.


 


“Not too bad,” she said, managing to smile.


 


“Are you sure?” Asked Albert.


 


ʽYes, I did nothing wrong. I have no reason to be scared.”


 


“Well, I have some news: I spoke with Keller yesterday evening and he said that no one was allowed in Neilʼs room besides the hospital staff and that Eliza had been sent back home. She is not allowed to see him since she is part of the investigation."


 


“Thatʼs great news!” said Candy. Upon seeing all the food on the table, she realized how hungry she was and helped herself to some bagels, cream cheese and fresh fruits.


 


They were having breakfast, making small talk, when they were interrupted by the door being pushed open. Annie walked in, a newspaper in her hand, her face flushed with tears.


 


“How dare you! How dare you do this to me!” She threw the paper at Candyʼs face.


 


“Annie! I donʼt know what is upsetting you but you are coming at a pretty bad time,” said Albert, getting up, trying to calm Annie who pushed him away.


 


“Stay out of this Albert. This is between Candy, Archie and me.”


 


“What on earth are you talking about Annie?” Asked Archibald, dumbfounded by Annieʼs behavior. He had never seen her so furious. Hell, he did not even know fury was an emotion she could harbor in her heart. She was so painfully shy and would always cry instead of raising her voice.


 


Candy was reading the first page of the Chicago Tribune with growing horror:


 


ANDREW HEIRESS STABS FORMER FIANCE by Millie Stevenson, special to the Chicago Tribune.

 


The Tribune learnt through an exclusive source that Candice White Andrew, heiress to the Andrew multi-millions empire, is under investigation for the attempted murder of her former fiancé, Neil Leegan.


 


It seems that Ms. Andrew argued with Mr. Leegan, with whom she had an on and off relationship for the past few years, over her current love affair with Neil Leeganʼs cousin Archibald Cornwell.


 


Neil Leegan had been terribly distressed to learn that his girlfriend was being intimate with Archibald Cornwell while staying at the Andrewʼs summer residence in Lakewood. When he confronted her, she stabbed him. He would have died without the presence of his sister Eliza who ran out for help.


 


Miss Andrew had been a controversial member of the Andrew family for some years. An orphan adopted in her early teenage years by William Andrew, she is known for her unconventional behavior and wild habits. She was responsible for the horse accident that cost young Anthony Brown his life some years ago. At the time, William Andrew covered up the story and sent Miss Andrew to a boarding school in England, from which she was later on expelled after engaging in a sexual relationship with one of the student. Upon her return to the United States, she worked as a nurse at Saint Joanʼs Hospital but was eventually fired for living in sin with an unidentified man. She then went back to live in the orphanage she grew up in, coming back only to start a relationship with Archibald Cornwell, himself engaged to be married to Annie Brighton, daughter of John Brighton of Brighton Industries.


 


How this latest scandal will affect the credibility of the Andrews in the business world remain to be seen. A criminal in the family is certainly not good publicity for the entrepreneur giant.


 


Candy became pale. She handed the paper to Archibald. Albert came by to look at it as well.


 


“Annie, you cannot believe this! This is ridiculous! Eliza is obviously their exclusive source! You know me better than that!”


 


“Iʼm not sure I know you anymore.”


 


“Come on now! You really believe everything that is said about me?”


 


“Well, not everything…. But you did get fired from St-Paul because they found you at night in the stables, alone with Terry? What were you doing there? And you and Archibald always seemed very close… What a fool Iʼve been! All this time, you must have had lots of fun at my expense. Where you sometime holding hands under the table when I was around? Sneaking kisses when my back was turned, just for the thrill of it?”


 


“Annie, this is crazy! Jealousy is blinding you! Itʼs me, your sister! How can you think Iʼd do something like that?” Candy could not believe the words that were coming form her friendʼs mouth.


 


Albert and Archibald were done reading. Archibald was enflamed.


 


“Iʼm going to kill Eliza!”


 


“For what? Exposing your dirty little secret,” said Annie curtly. Her cheeks were flaming with anger.


 


“Annie, donʼt be ridiculous. You know none of this is true. This is Robert McCormick latest attempt to discredit us”, Albert said angrily. Robert McCormick was Chicago newspaper baron and owner of the Chicago Tribune, with Andrew publishingʼs Chicago Gazette its only rival. ”It is the only reason why this piece of garbage made it to the first page. And Millie Stevenson is a friend of Sarah Leegan. Iʼm calling my lawyer immediately, we are going to sue the paper and the writer of this piece of junk for defamation. And stop them from selling the story to other papers.”


 


Albert left the room, leaving the three young people alone.


 


“Annie, we need to talk,” said Archibald, trying to stay calm.


 


“There is nothing to talk about,” Annie shouted, sounding desperate. “You love Candy, not me, and it will not change. I thought it would but I was obviously wrong… Now the whole town knows about the two of you… ” Tears were streaming down her face.


 


“Annie…” said Candy, trying to approach her friend.


 


“Stay away from me! I hate you! Thatʼs how itʼs been all my life, I should be used to it by now, I am always second best…”


 


“Annie, donʼt say that, it is not true.” Candy said, heartbroken by her friendʼs behavior.


 


“Oh yes it is! Miss Polly, Sister Lane, Mr. Brighton… They all favored you over me… “


 


“Stop it Annie, you are talking non-sense”.


 


“Itʼs is the truth! Stop pretending you are not seeing it!” Annie was becoming hysterical. Candy slapped her. Annie immediately calmed down and burst into tears.


 


Archibald took her in his arms and she buried her head in his chest. Candy exited the room.


 


“Annie… Iʼm sorry… I care a lot about you, I never meant to hurt you… But donʼt be so harsh on Candy, she has nothing to do with my decision. Iʼm just so terribly confused about my life… It is time for me to figure out what I want to do, and it is not fair to keep leading you on… ”


 


“You can't just leave me to face life on my own! I know you don't love me. Iʼve known it all along. I always knew this day would come. You don't even care about what I'm feeling. You don't even think about the consequences of what you're doing.”


 


“What do you want me to do? Stay with you and be miserable?” Archibald was starting to lose his patience.


 


“You are finally admitting it: being with me makes you feel miserable!”


 


“This is now what I meant…”


 


ʽWell, thatʼs what you said!”


 


“Listen Annie, I know I made a mistake when we were at Saint-Paul. I should not have given you any false hope. I enjoy your company a lot, you are a great girl, but I am at a point in my life where I think it is better if Iʼm alone for a while, until I sort everything out. I never made any promises. You went on assuming things that were just not going to happen.”


 


“But Archie, I love you! My life is built all around you. I can't believe this could be the end. I love you so much Archie!”


 


“Annie… Iʼm flattered but we….”


 


“ Please Archie, don't… I know just what you're thinking,



so please stop explaining. I don't need your reasons, don't tell me cause it hurts. It's all over. I have to stop pretending who we are... I just wished you had not humiliated me the way you did… Bye Archie…” said Annie, strangely calm, walking toward the door.


 


“Annie, wait….” Archie called out.


 


She stopped and turned around.


 


“Everything in the paper is a lie. Nothing ever happened between Candy and me. Please believe me. She does not love me. And even if she did, she would never act on it because of you. She is a great friend, the best youʼll ever had. Please donʼt destroy your friendship because of lies of hate spread by Eliza.”


 


“Here you are again, taking her side… Jumping to defend her. Iʼm sorry Archie but I also need to make changes in my life… And I donʼt have any plan for Candy or you to be in it…”


 


She was gone. Archie was stunned. Even though he wanted her out of his life, he had not meant for it to end this way. He walked slowly to the window and watched her get into her car. He stood there for a while, lost in his thoughts. Then he heard the door open and Albert walked in, looking excited.


 


“Where is Candy?”


 


“I donʼt know, I guess she went to her room.”


 


“Come with me, I have great news.”


 


They walked to Candyʼs room where they found her, crying on her bed.


 


“Archie! Howʼs Annie?”


 


“Forget about Annie for now, I have great news: Neil came to last night. He is recovering much faster than was expected. But best of all, he accused his sister! His version of the facts matches yours! He even admitted he intended to rape you! He actually said he is sick and needs help!”


 


Candyʼs face brightened.


 


“Thatʼs wonderful news!”


 


“I cannot believe this coward ratted on his sister!” Archibald exclaimed.


 


“Apparently, he had trouble to stomach the fact that she was ready to kill him simply to get her revenge on Candy. He does not want to be part of her machinations anymore. Eliza was arrested this morning. Youʼll have to testify during her trial.”


 


“Albert, do I have to? I want to put all this behind me as soon as possible.”


 


“Iʼm afraid you donʼt have a choice sweetie. “


 


“Can I at least go back home? I have to go back to work tomorrow.”


 


Albertʼs face darkened.


 


“Well, I also have some bad news… Miss Price called and they wonʼt be needing you anymore. She apologized but said they had no choice. The paper story made it there and they cannot afford to keep you. I told her you were innocent but she said it did not matter. They cannot have a nurse whose life has been widely publicized, regardless of how true it all was. I tried all I could but she would not budge. Iʼm sorry.”


 


Candy felt herself crumble. The Leegans did it again. They managed to tarnish her reputation and she lost her job. She was going to have to start all over.


 


“I have an offer for you. You are not required to remain in Chicago anymore. Why donʼt you go with Archie to Los Angeles? Being away from all the craziness till the trial would be a good thing. If you stay here, youʼll be under constant scrutiny.”


 


“But Albert, if Archie and I leave together, people will think that the rumor is true. Annie will never forgive me. I canʼt do that to her.”


 


“Candy, nobody will know you left together or where you are. You will leave by the 4 a.m. train, in our private wagon. In total confidentiality. Anybody asks, Iʼd say you went back to Ponyʼs home”


 


Candy realized Albert was right, this was the sensible thing to do. If she stayed here, she could not go anywhere in public without generating comments. She had no job to go back to. Going to California was the perfect escape route.


 
Chapter 11




Blood on the sidewalk


Washing down the drain



Rushing around the crime scene



To hide behind the stain



Hide behind the pain



Blue-colored lady



Black eye behind the shades



Itʼs funny how the players



They canʼt survive the game



Iʼll survive the game



Rule maker



Dream taker



Numbers on a sheet



The execution



The grand delusion



Success is not so sweet


 


Damaged for the first time



Who knew itʼd be you?



You could try to save me



And Iʼll try to save you



Dealmaker



Heartbreaker



Numbers on a sheet



The wild confusion



The strange delusion



Success is not so sweet


 


Widow maker



Deal-breaker



The blood runs down the street



The execution



Conclusion



Success is not so sweet



Dream faker



Pocket shaker



The number on a sheet



The execution



The institution



Success is not so sweet


 


© Soul Asylum – Success Is Not So Sweet





Susanna was in her bedroom, putting the final touch on her make up. Tonight was the Premiere of Othello, Terryʼs new play, to be followed by a reception at Eleanor Bakerʼs penthouse.

 


She stared at her reflection. She was extremely attractive, had beautiful features, gorgeous hair, nice eyes with long eyelashes, sensuous lips that begged to be kissed. So why was it that her husband found it so hard to show any kind of affection? The rare times he had kissed her, it had been a quick peck on the lips. The only kind of physical contact they had consisted of him holding her arm to help her walk.


 


A few days after her wedding, she had met with the doctor who had been urging her to get a prosthetic for the past year. She had postponed it till after they were married at her motherʼs suggestion. Bellatrix Marlowe had warned her that if she were somewhat independent, she would lose her main way of pressuring Terry. And Susanna, knowing fully well her motherʼs reasoning could not be questioned when it came to scheming, had concurred it was indeed best to wait.


 


Getting a prosthetic was the best thing she ever did. She had regained confidence along with independence and was in talk with Robert Hathaway to go back on stage in a near future. She felt her life was slowly coming back to normal, except of course for her disastrous marital situation.


 


She had tried hard to become the best housewife Terry could dream of but all her attempts had been met by a calm indifference. They had been married for two months and they had yet to get physical. Susanna was getting increasingly frustrated about it. She had tried to approach him on several occasions, only to be rejected. He had hold on to his promise of not hitting her again, but he was often verbally abusive, which she found somehow even more hurtful. His mood was unpredictable, an innocent remark about something as banal as the weather could unleash a series of mockeries at her expense. Whatever she said was deemed wrong and stupid. He drank too much from time to time and would spend hours locked up in his study. She did not know how long she could stand all that for. At the beginning, she had not known what to do when faced with one of his outbursts but now she would talk right back at him and it would end up in a screaming match. Thoughts of leaving him were crossing her mind more often those days. She had reached a point where she did not know why she had wanted him so badly to begin with. Terry was a damn good actor but in real life, he was a bore, moody, rude…


 


She brushed her hair, wrapped herself in a black cashmere shawl, took her cane and left the apartment. She was greeted downstairs by the doorman who had a cab waiting for her.


 


“Have a good evening Mrs. Grandchester. Good luck with the play. Iʼm sure it will be a huge success.”


 


“Thank you Norbert,” Susanna said softly, getting in the cab.


She did not share Norbertʼs optimism about the play. She was actually extremely nervous about it. Only people attached to the production knew that Terry was not playing Othello but Iago, one of Shakespeare most sinister villain. Othello was being played by a black man. All that had been Terryʼs idea. He had been offered the part of Othello but had turned it down, saying he wanted to play Iago. Othelloʼs part had been written for a black man and he found it ridiculous to have a white man in a blackface make up play the part when there were so many talented black actors available. Black theater existed in parallel to white theater. Black roles on Broadway were generally cast with white actors, which Terry found ludicrous. He had attended several times the Lafayette Theater on the corner of Seventh Avenue and 131st Street and had seen amazing performances by black actors. Robert had tried to reason with him but there was no way around it. In last resort, he had agreed to have a black actor performed Othello but wanted Terry to play Cassio, which was a role the audience would have no problem accepting him in, rather than in the atypical role of the classic scheming traitor Iago. Terry would not budged. It was Iago or nothing. He even threatened to leave the troupe for good. So Robert, afraid to lose his most bankable star, gave in.

 


Nobody knew how the public would react to the on stage romance between Othello played by a black man and Desdemona played by Karen Kliss. Terry did not seem to care, he was happy that a talented actor he had met in Harlem and befriended was given a break in mainstream theater. Paul Robeson (1) was an amazing young man. He was attending Columbia Law School and doing theater work during his free time. Susanna had seen him during rehearsals and he was truly gifted. Nevertheless, whether a sophisticated New York audience would be willing to accept him on stage, with an all white cast, in the title role of a Shakespeareʼs play remained to be seen. Especially when in everyoneʼs mind, the King of Broadway would be playing Othello.


 


Susanna thought that Terry was pure evil genius as Iago. She understood his frustration with the path his career was taking, as well as his need to break his image. It was the only subject Terry and her spoke about at length.


 


Three years ago, with no acting experience or training, two days after his first audition ever, he landed a role in King Lear, followed by the lead part in Romeo and Juliet. After his appearance as Romeo, and despite his brief turn in a third rate theater were he was performing inebriated, Terry became the face of romance in the theater world, with everything that made women swoon: a forest of eyelashes, sensitive blue eyes, long brown locks. Legions of female fans were coming to his shows. Girls followed him everywhere, screaming. He found it deeply flattering at first, amusing next, then annoying, and now he simply could not stand it anymore. He got indecent proposals from women old enough to be his mother. Terry got the greatest volume of mail of any of his fellow actors. Some letters were disturbing, with girls threatening to commit suicide if he did not answer them. He had no way of knowing how serious they were so he wrote them back, telling them to hang in there, that things would necessarily get better. But being not altogether stable himself, who was he to give advice? He felt like a liar, for he knew from experience that when things were bad, most of the time they would stay bad, or even get worst. Pretty soon, he could not handle all the mail and Susanna took over, taking great pride in the feelings her fiancé, then husband, was stirring in those girls.


 


Right after Romeo and Juliet Robert Hathaway had announced the Stratford troop would be doing Hamlet. Terry was interested in the title role but much to his dismay, Robert Hathaway decided the role claimed a more experienced actor and the part went to John Barrymore. Terry was hurt Robert did not trust him enough for such a part that would have tested his acting credibility. For besides being Shakespeare's most demanding role with over 1,400 lines, Hamlet is also the most introspective character. Actors had struggled with this role, and Terry was dying to give it a try. That ultimate rejection triggered his departure on a drunken tour with the pathetic excuse for a theater that led him to Rocktown.


 


Soon after his return to New York, sober thanks to the vision of his beloved distressed face, he was offered the part of Christian de Neuvillette in a production of Cyrano De Bergerac. Terry, feeling loyal to Robert Hathaway, hesitated at first but Robert Hathaway upon hearing of the opportunity his protégé had been offered urged him to accept. The play was a success and consolidated Terryʼs image as the most promising and handsome Broadway actor, with great emphasis being put on his looks instead of his acting. He strongly resented it. He wanted to get interesting, against-the-grain parts, and be recognized as a serious and respected actor, not just a pretty face. He desperately wanted to flee that image. He could not bear to see himself in a mirror and had come to hate his face. His looks he had stupidly been so proud of in the past had betrayed him.


 


Terry ultimately wanted to play characters that appealed to his identification with the underdog. He wanted to use acting as therapy and tap into his pain for more challenging roles. To that avail, he had taken some acting classes to improve his craft. He had been working on Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde, which was planned to open next theater season and for which auditions would be held in a few months. Susanna had helped him with his lines and had been amazed by the results of the daily classes he was taking. His acting intensity was unbelievable, and his Dr. Jekyll was mesmerizing. She had no doubt he would land the part.


 


The taxi came to a stop at the theater and Susanna got out. She was early but wanted to go wish Terry good luck before the performance. He was under a lot of pressure with this play as it could turn his career around if critics were not favorable to it. She wanted to show him she supported his decision one hundred percent.


 


She arrived in front of Terryʼs dressing room, gave a light knock and let herself in. What she saw froze her on the spot. Terry was shirtless, holding a bloody knife in his hand. Blood was dripping from his forearm on to the table. He gave her a startled look.


 


“Terry! What are you going?”


 


“You mother did not teach you to knock before entering a room?” He said, while cleaning his wound. She noticed several scars on his forearm.


 


“I did… I… I just wanted to wish you good luck… And tell you Iʼm behind you all the way…”


 


“Well thank you Susanna, thatʼs nice of you.” He was putting his shirt on, acting as nothing had happened.


 


“Terry… Are you harming yourself?” Susanna knew that was a pretty dumb question but she was too scared by what she had seen to think about anything else to say. Something in her mind clicked: how long had he been doing it? A while if she were to judge by the scars she had seen. Come to think of it, she had found it strange that he was always wearing long sleeves during the hottest months of the year. Now it all made sense. But why? Could it be…. Because of her? Was he so miserable with her that he had to hurt himself… Was he trying to kill himself?


 


“Iʼm fine. I just need to release some stress. Please forget about it. It is nothing to worry about. And donʼt mention it to anyone.”


 


“But Terry, I…”


 


“Please leave me alone now. You came to encourage me, and I thanked you for that. Go.”


 


Susanna knew it was useless trying to talk with him so she left and slowly went to her seat in the theater. She was feeling uneasy, she could not shake the vision of the blood dripping off Terryʼs arm off her mind. An extreme sense of guilt was invading her whole being. She shivered and wrapped herself tighter in her shawl.


 


She was shortly joined by Eleanor Baker.


 


“Good evening Susanna, it is lovely to see you, you look ravishing.”


 


“Thank you Eleanor.”


 


“Are you alright? You look pale?”


 


“Iʼm fine, Iʼm just nervous about the play.”


 


“Me too… But Iʼm sure Terry will blow everyone away and that people will be talking about his Iago years from now.”


 


Susanna felt she should tell Eleanor what she had just witnessed, but now did not seem the right time, the play was just about to start.


 


The three knocks were heard, the curtain was drawn and Rodorigo and Iago made their entrance. The audience let out of cry of surprise upon seeing Terry. Murmurs went on, everybody was trying to guess who would be performing as Othello. The name that came up most often was John Barrymore. So when Paul Robeson made his entrance, the crowd went silent.


 


During the intermission, everybody was talking about Paul Robeson, whose performance had left a big impression on everyone, easily over staging Terryʼs whom people did not want to see play a villain, even though his performance was flawless. At the end of the play, when Paul was presented, he drew the loudest applause of all the cast and got a standing ovation.


 


Moments later, the whole cast, most of New-York theater players, journalists and high society met at Eleanor Bakerʼs. Paul Robeson was literally assaulted by critics and fans alike.


 


Terry stood in a corner, sincerely happy for the young man. Several critics, who thought his career was taking a surprising turn and admired his courage, came to congratulate him. He was told several times he played Iago, a villain with a disarmingly pleasant demeanor, to perfection, calling his performance impressive in the expression of absolute menace. His looks helped convey Iagoʼs treachery: how could someone who looks so good really be so devious and evil?


 


Othello being a spellbinding study of how jealousy and paranoia bring about the downfall of a great leader, a journalist interviewing him asked if it was something he had experienced firsthand. Terryʼs first thought was for Candy, and the jealousy he had felt every time she had mentioned Anthony, how angry he had become… But he did not mention any of this to the journalist, only talking about how his rapid success had been the source of bitterness on the part of his peers since he landed the part of Romeo, coupled with the rumors about him getting preferential treatment because he was the son of Eleanor Baker. It was like he had become a threat to anybody else's potential success. How hurtful and destructive it all was, when all he wanted was to give the best performance he possibly could and take the audience with him in the theater world of make-believe he enjoyed so much. He wanted the audience to forget Terrence Grandchester the man and only see whatever character he was impersonating. But unfortunately, people seemed to make an amalgam between the two.


 


If his performance was embraced by the critics, the same could not be said about the general public who had trouble reconciling the image they had of Terrence Grandchester with the character of Iago. He sadly realized his attempt to break the vision the public had of him had failed. They did not want to see him play a devious character. Robert Hathaway had warned him about that and had already told him that he would have to start playing Cassio in the next performances. Terry felt trapped in a career he could no longer control.


 


Susanna, after assuring him that his performance had been one of the greatest and posing with him for photographs, had left him to mingle with her former colleagues. Which suited him just fine. He did not mind being alone.


 


He was sipping from a glass of champagne when his mother approached him.


 


“Darling, you were genial. Do not pay attention to what people say. Always do what you want. Do not let the audience or the critics dictate your choices.”


 


“Thanks Mom. You know me, I only do what I please.”


 


“Good. And donʼt be in too much of a hurry to control your career, you are not twenty yet, you have plenty of time. Your career is just starting. Wait to be more established before pushing for what you really want.”


 


“Thanks for the advice.” He said, finishing his champagne and waving to a waiter for another glass.


 


“ Honey, itʼs been so long since Iʼve seen you. Can we talk for a while?”


 


“Sure.” He followed her to her study. They sat on a sofa.


 


“How was the tour?” he asked, guzzling his champagne.


 


“Exhausting! I think Iʼm too old for that kind of things. Iʼm sorry I missed your wedding…”


 


“ No big deal… “ He said laconically, lighting up a cigarette.


 


“What do you mean “no big deal”? My only son is getting married, thatʼs a pretty big deal!”


 


“Listen Mom, I donʼt want to talk about it. Iʼm sorry. It was just a spur of the moment kind of thing.”


 


“You were engaged for two years! So donʼt come to me with the spur of the moment excuse.”


 


“Listen Mom. Itʼs done. Iʼm sorry you were not there. But itʼs not like it is the first important thing in my life you missed…”


 


“Ok, what is it? What is bothering you?”


 


“Nothing…”


 


“Come on Terry, I may not know you very well, but I do know that when you resort to sarcasm something is up. I know how draining and unforgiving our profession can be. Plus youʼve been under a lot of pressure with this play.”


 


“Iʼm just tired…”


 


“If something was bothering you, would you tell me?”


 


“Of course not!”


 


“Well, should you change your mind, Iʼm here for you. Any time.”


 


“Thanks Mom.”


 


“On a lighter note, guess who I met in Boston a few months ago, at the beginning of the tour?”


 


“I have no idea…” Terry was in no mood to play guessing games.


 


“William Andrew.”


 


“Albert?” Asked a puzzled Terry, wondering where this conversation was going. William Andrewʼs official return to the business world had made the national news and Terry had stared in disbelief at the picture of his friend on the cover of the Wall Street Journal.


 


“Himself, quite a charming man. We talked a lot.” She looked at Terry, as if she was expecting him to say something.


 


“Albert is a good man.” He said, remembering with fondness the man who had been his friend while in London.


 


“Well, arenʼt you going to ask me how she is?”


 


“Was she there?” He asked, his voice barely a whisper.


 


“No. But we talked about her. About you.”


 


“So… How is she?”


 


“Good. She lives at Ponyʼs home. She works as a nurse in a nearby hospital.”


 


“Iʼm glad.” He said softly, lighting yet another cigarette.


 


“And she is single.”


 


“Why should I care about that?”


 


“I donʼt know… I just thought youʼd like to know.”


 


ʽWell, thank you for telling me. I have to go. It was nice to see you Mom. Good night.” Terry got up and was walking toward the door.


 


“Terry! Wait!”


 


He stopped, his hand on the doorknob, and turned around.


 


“Do you still love her?”


 


“It does not matter anymore,” he answered, in such a sad tone that Eleanor had no doubt the answer was yes. She sighed deeply. Her son was unhappy, trapped in a loveless marriage, just like his father had been. Were children always bound to repeat the mistake of their parents?


 


Terry looked around for Susanna and spotted her talking animatedly with a writer.


 


“Sorry to interrupt. Susanna, letʼs go.”


 


“Already? But the party is still going, I…”


 


“Please. I want to go home now. But you can stay on your own if you wish…”


 


Susanna was smart enough to judge there was no point discussing with him and followed. Back at home, she tried to seduce him, hoping the champagne he had drank would act as an aphrodisiac.


 


“Not tonight.”


 


“What do you mean not tonight? When is it going to be the right time?”


 


“Iʼd warned you it would take time.”


 


“How much more time do you need? Come on Terry. That was a great evening, the critics loved you. Letʼs end it with a bang.”


 


“The only bang you are going to hear if you donʼt leave me alone is my door shutting on your face.”


 


“Oh come on Terry! Donʼt be such a grouch! Letʼs have fun…” She said in a seductive voice, moving closer to him.


 


“Unfortunately, my idea of fun does not involve you.” He said, pulling away from her.


 


“Iʼve had enough! Enough of you and your insults!” Susanna could not contain herself any longer.


 


“Good! Because Iʼve had enough of you and your constant bickering!”


 


“Bickering? How can you call my reaction to your refusal to make love to me bickering!”


 


“Because thatʼs exactly what it is! Donʼt you have anything more important to think about than getting laid? I told you before hand it would take time for things to get the way you want them to. And since you appear to be horny, let me remind you it is perfectly fine with me if you bring a man over.”


 


“Youʼre a sick man Terrence Grandchester! Why are you doing this to us when we have everything to be happy? You refuse to let go of her! Youʼre obsessed with her! Thatʼs why you harm yourself! She is going to ruin your life! She is already ruining our life together!”


 


“What life? We have no life together.”


 


“Because of Candy! Even though she is gone, her memory is in our way.”


 


“I had warned you not to mention her name ever again….”


 


“Or what? Candy! Candy! Candy! Candy! There! Now what are you going to do?”


 


Terry felt his temper climb. He grabbed a vase that was on the table and threw it at Susanna. She ducked and it crashed against the wall. He wanted to beat her up to pulp. He knew he would not be able to control himself if she opened her mouth again.


 


“I had it! “ she screamed. Losing her leg had been bad enough but being verbally and physically abused by the man she lost it for, that she could not take. She knew this would go on for the rest of her life unless she found a way out.


 


“Iʼm asking for an annulment tomorrow. This marriage is a joke and I donʼt want to keep living it. I hate you Terry! I curse the day I first saw you. I wish I had let that projector crush you.”


 


She was too angry to cry. She left the room without giving Terry a chance to answer and locked herself up in her room.


 


Strangely enough, she did not feel sad, just extremely relieved that it was all over.


 

 


(1) Paul Robeson did play Othello but it was in 1930. He was the first African American to play the part in 50 years. His Othello was the longest-running Shakespeare play in Broadway history, running for nearly three hundred performances.

 
Chapter 12




I'm not afraid of anything in this world


There's nothing you can throw at me that I haven't already heard



I'm just trying to find a decent melody



A song that I can sing in my own company



I never thought you were a fool



But darling, look at you



You gotta stand up straight, carry your own weight



These tears are going nowhere, baby



You've got to get yourself together



You've got stuck in a moment and now you can't get out of it



Don't say that later will be better now you're stuck in a moment



And you can't get out of it



I will not forsake, the colors that you bring



But the nights you filled with fireworks



They left you with nothing



I am still enchanted by the light you brought to me



I still listen through your ears, and through your eyes I can see



And you are such a fool



To worry like you do I know it's tough,



I know itʼs tough



And you can never get enough



Of what you don't really need now... my oh my



You've got to get yourself together



You've got stuck in a moment and now you can't get out of it



Oh love look at you now



You've got yourself stuck in a moment and now you can't get out of it



I was unconscious, half asleep



The water is warm till you discover how deep...



I wasn't jumping... for me it was a fall



It's a long way down to nothing at all



You've got to get yourself together



You've got stuck in a moment and now you can't get out of it



Don't say that later will be better now



You're stuck in a moment and you can't get out of it



And if the night runs over



And if the day won't last



And if your way should falter



Along the stony pass



It's just a moment



This time will pass


 


© U2 – Stuck in a moment





Terry could not believe he had driven Susanna to ask for an annulment. He somehow found it hard to believe, probably another one of her tricks to make him feel guilty. She would not let go of him so easily now that she had him. Unless she was deeply disgusted by what she was seeing: a chain-smoking, self-mutilating drunk. What kind of woman would want to be married to that? He opened his desk and reached for the bottle of vodka he kept hidden there for emergencies. And tonight definitively qualified as an emergency. He took a long gulp directly from the bottle.

 


So what now? He felt he should be relieved but he was not. He was much too ashamed. He had not been able to keep any part of his promise to Candy: he had certainly not been happy and it was obvious that he had not made Susanna happy either. He had taken care of her physical needs but had completely ignored her emotional ones. As for his career, he had no idea what was going to happen next. And he did not really care. He lit up a cigarette, blew a ring of smoke and watched it fade.


 


He was maybe free but he could never face Candy, no matter how much he wanted – no needed- to. The last thing he wanted was to see a sad look on her face, and he knew if she found out what happened, she would feel sad, and be deeply disappointed in him. And that he could not bear. Maybe Susanna was right, maybe it would have been for the best had the projector killed him instead of maiming her. His life was one giant mess, had been since the beginning. Why should it change now?


 


He inhaled deeply from his cigarette before crushing it in the ashtray. A suffocating sense of desperation invaded him. Why was his life filled with degradation and misery? The absurdity of it all was unbearable. All the rage that had been boiling inside of him took over and he started throwing anything he could get his hands on across the room: books, papers, clothes, candles, the chair, the desk, emptying drawers and throwing the contents throughout the room. When he was done his bedroom looked like a hurricane had gone through it but he felt strangely better. He caught his reflection in the mirror he had thrown on the ground, a tall, handsome, disheveled figure. He came closer and studied his face very carefully, tracing his faultless features with a trembling finger. He felt moisture and realized he was crying. He took his knife out of his pocket, contemplating slashing his wrists to end it all now and then, the pain, the suffering, he just wanted it all to go away. He had been living with it for too long and could not go on any longer. He did not care about dying since he had nothing worth living for.


 


Instead, he slashed his left cheek. Blood started pouring, mixing with his tears. He felt so lost, so confused. A part of him wanted to die but another part desperately wanted to be saved, needed to be saved by her. She was a nurse, saving peopleʼs life was her job. Why couldnʼt she save him?


 


The burning pain brought him the comfort he needed. He sat on the floor, the salt from his tears and the metallic taste of his blood mixing on his lips. He took his head between his hands and murmured:


 


“Candy, help me….”





*********




Eleanor Baker entered her dining room to find a letter sitting on the table, next to her breakfast tray. It was a blank envelope, with her name on it, in a handwriting she did not recognized. She quickly opened it, wondering who could be dropping a letter off that early. Her puzzlement increased when she looked at the signature. And a sense of dread started creeping all over to her.

 


Dear Eleanor,

 


You are probably wondering why am I writing to you when I saw you yesterday. Unfortunately, it is not to thank you for a wonderful evening.


 


My marriage to Terry is over. When you will be reading this letter, I will be down to City Hall, filling the necessary papers to obtain an annulment. This may not come to you as much of a surprise, after all, you are his mother and you must know where his heart truly is.


 


Our marriage was based on manipulation and deceit on my part. He was miserable and I failed to even notice it until recently. I am not proud of myself and have no excuse to offer for my behavior. I knew fully well I was selfish, acting like a spoiled child but I loved Terry so much, I wanted him by my side, I truly wanted to make him happy, and like an idiot, I thought that forcing him to marry me would make him happy. How wrong was I… I finally found the strength to accept with dignity what cannot be changed, that being of course that Terry loves Candy.


 


I made a terrible mistake and I hope it is not too late to fix it. My egoism has caused more harm to Terry than you can imagine.


 


I do not know how to tell you this, I was hoping to talk to you face to face about it last night but we left before I had a chance to. I know this will hurt you but I feel Terry desperately needs help, and I donʼt have anybody else to turn to.


 


Terry is physically harming himself. I caught him yesterday slicing his forearm with a knife. He claims he does it to relieve stress and that it is nothing to be concerned about. He has several scars so I am assuming he must have been doing this for quite a while. I am scared for him. I do care a lot about him and I donʼt want anything bad to happen, this is why I am leaving him, for I know he would never leave me. As long as I am a part of his life, he will not get better. I am a painful reminder of what he lost. I may have lost my leg on that terrible day but Terry lost his heart.


 


Please help him. If he ever needed you, it is now.


 


I hope you will find it in your heart not to condemn me. I was a foolish girl who thought she could buy love. I have done a lot of growing up within the past few months, and this I owe to Terry. So please donʼt let him believe he ruined my life.


 


Most sincerely yours,


 


Susanna Marlowe


 


Eleanor Baker could not believe what she just read. Her dear son was harming himself? She was distraught he had never talk to her about any of this and highly ashamed she had been so absorbed with her work that she had failed to notice anything might have been wrong. She should have confronted him after the Rocktown episode. But he cleaned himself up and looked good, so she thought there was no need to bring back painful memories. And the sad truth was that she had been expected back on stage, so she had quickly brushed aside any nagging doubts and chose to believe that everything was going to be fine.


 


She got up without touching her breakfast, placed a phone call, quickly got dressed and left her house.





***********




Terry was dead to the world, a cigarette still burning in the ashtray. A slight knock on his door woke him up. He looked around, not quite remembering where he was. He had fallen asleep on the Persian carpet, surrounded by broken china, clothes, papers. He felt a sharp pain in his left cheek. He slowly rubbed it and felt dried blood and some of his hair stuck to it. The knock on the door became insistent.

 


“Mr. Grandchester? Your mother is here. Sir?” Wendyʼs worried voice.


 


He stood up and looked at his reflection. The sight was not pleasant. He had blood all over his cheek, his hair was matted with it, his eyes were blood shot from lack of sleep, his clothes wrinkly from sleeping in them and his back was aching from lying on the floor. What he needed was a bath, not a talk with his mother.


 


“I just woke up Wendy. I need to shower and get dressed.”


 


“Terry, let me in!” His Motherʼs voice, bordering hysteria.


 


“One minute,” Terry was pacing around his room, assessing the situation. His mother could not see this mess.


 


“Terry, open this door!”


 


“Listen, I need to get dressed, why donʼt you go wait for me in the sitting room?”


 


“If you are not out of here in five minutes, Iʼll call someone to break the door!”


 


“Mom, what is wrong with you? Iʼll be there.” He answered, while taking his clothes off and picking something clean to wear off the floor. He then ran to his bathroom and washed off best he could. He put his wet hair in a ponytail. The cut on his cheek was not too deep, and would easily pass for a shaving cut.


 


When he was done, he went to the sitting room where his mother was waiting, sitting at the edge of a chair, chewing nervously on her fingernails. She stood up when he entered and came running to him.


 


“Terry! Are you…” She stopped mid-sentence upon noticing his cheek.


 


“What happened?” she asked, a look of profound concern on her face, brushing the wound lightly with her finger.


 


“Stupid shaving accident. I was rushing to meet you…”


 


“Terry… I may not know a lot about medicine but this is not a fresh wound…”


 


“I doubt you came here unexpectedly to discuss my ability to heal?” He said sarcastically, lighting up a cigarette, closing his eyes and inhaling deeply from it.


 


“I received a letter from Susanna…. She told me about the annulment. Iʼm sorry darling.”


 


“There is nothing to be sorry about. I never loved her. Iʼm glad she is gone.”


 


“Terry…. Is there anything you want to share with me?”


 


“Absolutely not. Unless you want to share my lunch.”


 


“Donʼt be a smart ass. I know you are hurting. Why canʼt you let me help you go through this. You donʼt have to do it alone. I love you. Iʼm here for you.”


 


“This is not your job. It has nothing to do with you. Go back to your acting. I donʼt need to be rescued. I donʼt need to be saved. I want to sit here and enjoy my cigarette so let me be. I absolve you of any responsibility as to my becoming.”


 


Eleanor realized he would never confide in her, unless she forced him to.


 


“Show me your arm.”


 


“What?”


 


“Show me your arm.”


 


Terry was not expecting that request. He reluctantly extended his right arm. Eleanor grabbed his left one before he could stop her. He closed his eyes. She lifted up his sleeve and let out a small cry.


 


“Oh my god, Terry honey! What have you done….” She said, holding on to his arm, slowly running her finger over the numerous scars. She was crying.


 


“Iʼm so sorry Terry… Iʼm sorry I was not there for you… You obviously needed help…”


 


Terry was trying to pull his arm away but Eleanor would not let go of him. When she did, she put an arm around his waist and caressed his face with her other hand, with so much love and tenderness that Terry could not hold back his tears. Eleanor took his face between her hands and kissed him softly on the cheek.


 


“Everything is going to be fine now baby, Iʼm here. Mommy will take care of you.” Her expression was filled with concern.


 


All the pain he had been feeling was coming out in form of tears. He fell sobbing into his motherʼs arms. She led him to the couch where he cried while she rubbed his hair, murmuring comforting words.


 


“Mom, what is happening to me? I canʼt stop hurting myself… For some reason it makes me feel alive, it brings me comfort. It helps me cope and get control over the intense sadness and self-loathing Iʼve been feeling for so long. When I hate myself, touching the wound helps me feel like I've already been punished, and I'm allowed not to hate myself anymore. When I feel numb inside, the pain reminds me that Iʼm alive.”


 


“Terry… Donʼt worry… I wonʼt let you down this time. You wonʼt go through this alone. Iʼm here. I wonʼt abandon you. I know I was not the best mother but Iʼll make up for the lost time, I promise you.” It broke Eleanorʼs heart to see her son in such a state of despair.


 


Now that Terry had opened up, he could not stop talking.


 


“It has become a habit, it makes me feel alive. The deeper I put the blade in my flesh, the stronger the physical pain but thereʼs no more pain in here.” He said, hitting his heart. “Itʼs over now, all of it. Nothing means a thing to me. Iʼm falling apart. I have run out of reasons to make myself believe in anything. There is nothing anybody can do to help me.” He slumped in the couch, head down, tears in his eyes.


 


“I have so many problems I would not even know where to start: insomnia, a fear of crowds, which is ironic for an actor, chain-smoking, an antagonism toward authority figures, and an erratic personality that makes me tough to live with, as Iʼm sure Susanna told you. I so want to be accepted for who I am but I donʼt even know how to accept myself. I want to hold a girl and call her mine but I keep thinking I'll screw it up… I screwed up so much in the past…”


 


“I know someone who can help you… He helped me deal with being separated from you. Trust me. Please Terry. Donʼt give up. Youʼre young, you have your whole life ahead of you. You can always fix the mistakes you made once you get your life back on track.”


 


“Who is this person?”


 


“Dr. Abraham Brill , he is wonderful and was a life-saver for me. Please give him a try. You cannot go on like this.” Eleanor pleaded, true anguish transpiring in her voice.


 


Seeing the true concern on his motherʼs face, Terry agreed he had to talk to a professional, he could not fix the mess his life had become by himself.


 


The very next day, Terry went to see Dr. Brill, an attentive man, with a kind, caring, face and Terry, though uncomfortable at first, found it easy to trust and opened up to him. He was truly listening, and most importantly he was not passing a judgment. Terry felt he could tell this man just about anything.


 


The doctor had various suggestions to prevent him from cutting himself: drawing where he wanted to cut himself, going for a walk, hitting a punching bag, cutting other things besides his body, eating chocolate, but mostly any kind of exercise. Exercise would give him something to do besides lamenting and obsessing on everything he considered wrong with his life.


 


Dr. Brill explained the brain, when sensing pain, sent out a chemical called an Endorphin to relieves pain and relax the victim. Unfortunately Endorphin was addictive. Terry was caught in a circle of addiction to a natural pain reliever. Dr. Drill reassured him that he was not crazy or abnormal, and that he would eventually be able to stop, he just had to be patient. He also stressed the importance of talking to a trusted person or a loved one about it all, not to keep everything inside the way he had done in the past. He finally congratulated him for taking the first step in coming to seek professional help. He pointed out to him that cutting himself was a behavior that hurt not only him, but the people around him as well. They were hurt too when he put that knife to his arm. He had been through a lot at such a young age, and he had been hurt so much, why inflict more pain on himself and on the people who loved him? Dr. Brill was hoping Terry would look at life in the face, and show who was in control. Dr. Brill also acknowledged there were obviously deeper problems which were causing him to do this, and that they would get to the bottom of all of it in due time.


 


Terry agreed to everything that was said, it all made sense to him, and he promised he would do his very best.


 


The doctor called Eleanor to inform her of Terryʼs visit. He told her it would take love, compassion, and most of all patience for Terry to recover. The first step was to convince him he could get on with his life. He advised Eleanor to stay with him and keep supporting him. Like all addiction, it was not something he would be able to quit overnight, but with help he would be able to begin the break down. Dr. Brillʼs main concern was that Terry might lack the willpower to let go of all his destructive behaviors he had used for so long to shield himself from all the pain he experienced. He would have to go one step at a time, not try to totally quit everything. He said the cutting was the first thing that had to be stopped. He mentioned that Terry cut himself to release stress and pain. So they had to find others ways for him to release stress. He told Eleanor how important it was for her to be available for him to talk to, to be non-judgmental, and listen. It started because Terry had no one to turn to when something emotionally catastrophic happened. What he needed most at this stage was compassion. Exercise was a good way to divert his cutting impulses. Also, writing down everything that made him mad, sad, angry, will help. The aim was to keep himself from cutting for as long as he could, and then if he did it again, try to make the next gap bigger, and bigger, and bigger, until eventually he would not feel the physical need to do it again.


 


Eleanor mentioned something that had been bothering her ever since finding out what was happening with her son: she was due to leave for Hollywood at the end of the month. She was expected on the movie set of Macbeth. She had signed a contract and had no way out of it. Dr. Drill urged her to bring Terry along, a change of scenery could only be beneficial, and that he would refer him to one of his colleague in Los Angeles.


 


Eleanor hung up and went to the sitting room where Terry was reading a book. She sat next to him, ran her hand through his hair.


 


“I love you, Honey.”


 


“I love you Mom. Thank you for taking me in.“ They had decided that Terry would move in, he did not want to go back to the apartment he had bought for Susanna and Eleanor did not want him to be alone.


 


“I have a proposal. I have to go to Los Angeles for six months. They are planning to make a movie out of MacBeth with the original theater cast. Please come with me. Iʼm terribly nervous about this and could use your support. And who knows, you may want to give film a try.“


 


Having nothing to look forward to, and realizing that he could not possibly live alone without hurting himself, Terry promptly agreed. He felt it was time to start a new life. He figured being in a new town would help leave the bad memories behind.


 


He quit the Stratford troupe, citing medical reasons, sold his apartment, and attended daily therapy sessions with Dr. Drill. He also took up jogging and could be seen in Central Park several times a day.


 


By the end of the month, he was with his mother boarding a train that would take them to Hollywood.


 


Note: Abraham Arden Brill was an American psychiatrist. After studies with C. G. Jung in Switzerland, he became in the U.S. one of the earliest and most active exponents of psychoanalysis, being the first to translate into English most of the major works of Freud and Jung. He taught at New York Univ. and Columbia, was a practicing psychoanalyst, and a writer.


 
Chapter 13




There's just no substitute for fun


I've tried every single one



And no one can take your place



Everybody gets replaced



My time has neither come nor gone



It just slips out when I yawn



Without hope I can't go wrong


 


Don't get my hopes up now



Don't get my hopes up now


 


It's so hard to settle down



Don't recognize my hometown



Home is where I hang my head



Lost in all these things I said



Been holding my breath for so long



I don't need air anymore



If you never let me breathe



I'll never breathe


 


Don't get my hopes up now



Don't get my hopes up now


 


Don't know what I was hoping for



I feel like feeling better than I ever felt before


 


My time has neither come nor gone



It just slips out when I yawn



Holding my breath for so long


 


Don't want to be bored no more



I know there's so much more



Don't know what I was hoping for



I feel like feeling better than I ever felt before


 


Don't get my hopes up now



Don't get my hopes up now


 


© Soul Asylum- Hopes Up





Candy was looking through the window of the train that was taking her to Los Angeles. They had been traveling for days and despite the comfort of the Andley’s private wagon, she felt drained and could not wait to arrive. The voyage had been quiet, Archibald spending most of his time studying the movie deal file, and Candy walking around the train, meeting people, and trying to keep herself entertained.

 


They had left Chicago just as Albert had promised, discreetly in early morning. Before their departure, Candy had gone to Pony’s home to retrieve some of her belongings and say good-bye. She had been evasive as to her destination and eventual return. Against Archibald’s advice, she had stopped by the Brighton’s, only to be turned down by a maid who had informed her she was under strict instructions not to let her or any member of her family in. It had broken Candy’s heart. Annie would not talk to her and give her a chance to explain everything. All she had left to hope for was that Annie would be more opened to dialogue after Eliza’s trial, once things settled down and life resumed its normal course. She could not just shut her off and pretend she did not exist. Their lives had been intertwined for so long; they could not break their lifelong friendship just like that, over something that only happened in Annie’s mind.


 


The train finally came to a stop in Los Angeles. Candy and Archibald got off and were immediately greeted by a driver who took their luggage and led them to the car that would take them to the Chateau Marmont , where they would be staying.


 


Modeled after an elegant Loire Valley castle, the Chateau Marmont was located in the heart of Hollywood, minutes from the movie studios. Hidden by a curve in the road and nestled in the hills above Sunset Boulevard, it could easily be overlooked if not for the hotel's sign. Its suites and bungalows, set amidst lush private gardens, offered some of the city's most stunning, panoramic views. Renowned for its discretion and serenity, the unique atmosphere of the Chateau belied its location.


 


The car came to a stop in front of the entrance and Candy stared in disbelief at the enormity of the building in front of her. An hotel looking like a castle… What a silly idea! She nevertheless felt like a fairy tale princess and was anxious to see her room. Albert had booked for them a two-bedroom suite, with full kitchen, living and dining room, and a private terrace with breathtaking view of the city. Even Archibald, who was no stranger to luxury, was impressed by the place.



Candy was on the terrace, taking the city in. It was dusk and the city lights were shining softly. A warm breeze was caressing her skin. She realized right then that she had made the right decision to come here. It was the ideal place to wash away her worries and sorrows. Everything seemed so peaceful, so perfect.


 


She walked back into the room where Archibald was unpacking.


 


“You’ll do this later, I’m starving! I saw a restaurant in the courtyard, let’s go!”


 


“We were down there for a minute and you noticed a restaurant?”


 


“We need to eat, don’t we?” She said happily, grabbing her purse and walking toward the door.


 


They walked through arched walkways with beautiful painted ceilings that Archibald could not take his eyes off.


 


“Come on! They are going to close!” Said an impatient Candy.


 


They arrived to an inviting courtyard with a restaurant tucked in the back. A few guests were dining by candlelight. The setting was very intimate and romantic. Candy felt a bit strange to have dinner with her cousin in such a place but the food was so delicious that she forgot her uneasiness and they had a great time. Once finished with their dinner, the exhaustion from the trip hit them and they went back to their suite to sleep.


 


Candy woke up around noon the next day to find that Archibald was already gone. He had left her a note saying he had gone to introduce himself to D.W. Griffith , a renowned director whose studio project was the reason for their trip.


 


Candy ate her breakfast and decided to check the premises. She was following a stone path going slightly up hill, bordered by all kind of flowers and plants she had never seen before when she arrived by a pool, surrounded by a lush garden and small cabanas for the patrons to change into. Lounge chairs were lined up around the pool. Candy marveled at the sight. She had heard of swimming pools but had never seen one. It was like having your own private lake in the middle of the city. It was peaceful, you could hear the birds sang, some squirrels were frolicking around. Candy decided to wait here for Archibald’s return. She went back to their suite, left a note informing him where she was, took some paper and a pen and came back to the pool area. She sat on a chair and started writing to Ms. Pony. She was anxious to share with her friends her journey and tell them about the amazing landscapes she has seen.





************




Terry and Eleanor had been in Hollywood for a month. They were staying in a villa on Monteel Road, owned by William Randolph Hearst, a personal friend of Eleanor. It was nestled in the hills, above Sunset Boulevard, overlooking the whole city. Terry enjoyed the reclusive location. He spent most of his time on the terrace, reading, sleeping or simply relaxing. He was seeing a psychotherapist two to three times a week and would occasionally go on the set with his mother. They did not have the closest relationship but got along just fine, which in Eleanor’s eyes was a huge improvement. Terry would even from time to time confide in her about his fears but also his hopes. Getting away from New York had helped him tremendously already. Nobody in Los Angeles knew him, he was just another pretty face, and he liked it that way.

 


Every time he felt the need to hurt himself, which was less and less frequent those days, he would jog down to Sunset Boulevard, and back up the hill, with a stomach full of rage and anger. He would then go to bed with a body overdosed with endorphins, and wake up the next day with sore muscles. He was still abusing himself in a way, except that he was injuring his muscles instead of the surface of his skin. Instead of taking anger out on himself, he was dealing with it up front and he had been cut free for three weeks. He knew he could relapse but the longer he went cut-free, the easier it would be to stay that way. Of course Eleanor was always worried about him.


 


Eleanor got home to find Terry on the terrace, a glass of wine in one hand. She gave him a light kiss on the forehead.


 


“Hi darling, how are you doing?” She was asking him the same question every single day upon coming back home.


 


“I’m fine.” He gave her a smile and Eleanor was pleased to see it was sincere.


 


“I’m glad. Anything new?”


 


“Well, I came to term with the fact that I may never get what I want. Which is Candy. I sure miss her smile. But I made it through another day, so it's a good excuse to celebrate,” he said, raising his glass and taking a sip. “I know you want to know how I feel. Well, I can't even tell. Not good but not horribly bad either. At least I am feeling something, which is better than the emptiness I was living with. I know all this scares you. It scares me.”


 


“Terry…”


 


“It’s Ok Mom, I know you worry about me. And honestly, I would worry about myself too… But trust me, I’ll get out of this. I just know it. Somehow…” He said, truly wanting to believe it. “But enough about me. How was your day?”


 


“Alright I guess. I’m having trouble adjusting to perform with a camera in front of me. And I feel silly talking, knowing that in the end, no one will hear what I say… And it is exhausting, we do several takes of the same scene… I don’t know, I don’t think this is something I’ll do again… I miss the audience’s reaction to my performance.”


 


“Don’t worry Mom, you’ll be great….”


 


“Well, we shall see… In the meantime, how would you like to escort me to a Hollywood party? D.W Griffith is throwing a party for the opening of his latest movie,
Intolerance . He made it in response to critics, who protested against The Birth of a Nation for its alleged racist content, and it supposedly illustrates the problem of people’s intolerance against others’ views. It sounds like something you may like.”

 


“Indeed. I’d be happy to go with you Mother.”


 


Each retired to their respective bedrooms to get ready. Eleanor was delighted Terry had agreed to come. She had been going to numerous parties and he had always declined to come along. The fact he had agreed this time was the irrefutable proof his was getting better.


 


When they were ready, Terry got behind the wheel and drove them to downtown Los Angeles to the Million Dollar Theater, where the screening and following party would take place.


 


Terry dropped Eleanor off in front of the theater and went looking for a parking spot. He found one a few blocks away and was hurriedly walking on the sidewalk, hoping he would not miss the beginning of the movie, when he saw ahead of him a couple, both with blond hair, walking briskly. The man was elegantly dressed, wearing a long dark blue evening jacket over white trousers. His long blond hair was neatly brushed. His companion had a mane of curly blond hair and was wearing a green satin evening dress with matching wrap. They were holding hands, the man gently pulling the girl after him. Their silhouettes looked familiar and when the girl let out a chiming laugh, he had no doubt: Candy was a few feet away from him. He stopped in his tracks, his heart beating out of his chest, terrified she might turn around and see him. He had dreamed about this very instant for months and now that she was only a few feet away, he wanted the earth to swallow him. He watched her cross the street and disappear into the theater. What was she doing here? And with Cornwell of all people? He could not bring himself to get in and risk facing her, he was not ready for that just yet. He slowly walked back to the car and drove back home.





**********




Eleanor thanked her colleague for the ride, quickly got in the house and climbed the stairs leading to Terry’s room. She gave a light knock and when he did not answer, she let herself in. The room was dark and empty.

 


“Terry… Where are you?” When she saw Candy at the reception following the screening, she realized what must have happened. She excused herself and begged a colleague to drive her back home, pretending to suffer from a terrible a migraine.


 


She went to the terrace and saw the red light of a cigarette shining in the night. Terry was sitting on his usual chair, puffing away.


 


“Terry!”


 


“Hi Mom! Sorry I let you down. Something quite unexpected happened…”


 


“Candy…” She said slowly, not quite knowing what would be his reaction. He nodded in approval.


 


“She was a few steps ahead of me on the sidewalk. I heard her laugh. I could smell her perfume. I could have called her but I did not find the strength…”


 


“I talked to her. After the show. I was looking for you in the room when I heard my name being called. I turned around and there she was.”


 


“Did you tell her I’m here?”


 


“No…” Eleanor thought back to the encounter. She had been nervously searching the crowd for Terry, thinking he had come in late and had not been able to get to his seat next to her, when she heard a little voice.


 


“Miss Baker?”


 


Candy was in front of her, smiling a genuinely happy smile, wearing a lovely dress matching her eyes, her thick hair falling freely on her shoulders in messy curls. Next to her stood a tall, handsome young man about the age of Terry, who was looking at her the way her fans always did: eyes as big as saucers, a mixture of incredulity and joy on their face, coupled with a broad smile.


 


“Candy?”


 


“It’s me!”


 


“Oh Candy, I’m delighted to see you,” Eleanor had said, giving the young woman a fierce hug.


 


“I’m happy to see you too Miss Baker. Allow me to introduce my cousin, Archibald Cornwell, who is one of your biggest fan.” The young man extended his hand, blushing furiously.


 


“It is an honor to meet you Miss Baker.” Archibald managed to utter, taking Eleanor’s hand.


 


“The pleasure is all mine Mister Cornwell. So Candy, what are you doing here?”


 


“Archibald is on a business trip and I just came along to keep him company.”


 


“Well, you’re very lucky Mister Cornwell to have the wonderful Candy as your escort. I’m sure a lot of men would like to have such a lovely date.”


 


“Speaking of which, how is Terry?” Archibald had asked rather boldly, ignoring the embarrassed look on Candy’s face.


 


“He’s doing good. I’m sure you heard about him and Susanna?” For some reason, Eleanor had felt Archibald knew but not Candy, a suspicion that was confirmed by her answer.


 


“Yes, we heard about their wedding. Please extend my congratulations to them,” Candy had said. Eleanor had immediately detected in her voice the pain the news had caused her.


 


“Well, congratulations are no longer in order: the marriage was annulled two months ago.”


 


“What?” Had exclaimed an incredulous Candy.


 


“It just did not work out. They were not in love, Susanna realized she made a terrible mistake.” Eleanor had been pleased to see the relief that invaded Candy’s face.


 


“We are sorry to hear that.” Archibald had said, not sounding a bit sorry.


 


“It is probably for the best. Now if you’ll excuse me. It was great seeing you again Candy, and a pleasure meeting you Sir Cornwell but I have a horrible migraine and really should be going.”


 


“We would love to see you again Miss Baker, if you are not too busy of course. It would be our pleasure to have you over for dinner. We are staying at the Chateau Marmont.” Candy had said.


 


“That would be lovely.”


 


“Or if you feel so inclined, drop by just to say hello. I’m not there all the time but most afternoons, Candy can be found by the pool.” As Archibald had said those last words, he had given Eleanor a look that had made her understand the young Cornwell knew Terry was in town and was giving her the opportunity to set up a chance encounter. For whatever reason, he wanted his cousin to see her son. Eleanor was immensely grateful for that unexpected ally.


 


“I may just do that. Thank you for the invitation. Now if you’ll excuse me. Enjoy your evening.”


 


“Thank you Miss Baker.”


 


“Eleanor dear child, please.”


 


She related the conversation to Terry, omitting the part about where Candy was staying. She would have to think about a way to have Terry go to the Chateau Marmont without arousing his suspicion.


 


“How did she look when you told her about the annulment? Was she disappointed?”


 


“Not a all, to tell you the truth, she seemed rather relieved, even though she was trying to hide it. Now my son, what are you going to do?”


 


“I don’t know,” he said, puffing his cigarette up to a furious glow.


 


‘You realize you cannot hide from her forever. You will have to face her. This is not a mere coincidence that she is in the same city. You two belong together.”


 


“Mother please, don’t start.”


 


“I’m not starting anything, I’m just telling you this is a sign and you should act on it. That’s all. Good night Terry.”


 


“Good night Mom.”


 


Of course, she intended to force destiny’s hand. Her son had been unhappy for too long. Now was her chance to redeem her past behavior and make sure Terry was happy. She was afraid he was too disgusted with himself to do anything so she would have to take the matter into her own hands. She went to bed, the beginning of a plan forming in her head.


 

 


Notes:


D.W. Griffith founded United Artists in 1917 with Charlie Chaplin, Mary Pickford and Douglas Fairbanks.


 


I took some artistic licensing with the following:


 


The Chateau Marmont did not open till 1929 but I really wanted to use its setting.



http://i13.photobucket.com/albums/a259/sandrinemarten/ChateauMarmont.jpg


http://i13.photobucket.com/albums/a259/sandrinemarten/Marmont.jpg


http://i13.photobucket.com/albums/a259/sandrinemarten/Dsc01974.jpg


http://i13.photobucket.com/albums/a259/sandrinemarten/Dsc01924.jpg


http://i13.photobucket.com/albums/a259/sandrinemarten/pool_330x267.jpg

 


Sid Grauman’s Million Dollar Theater opened in 1918.



http://i13.photobucket.com/albums/a259/sandrinemarten/million_dollar_theater_l.jpg

 
Chapter 14




I Know you've got some pain to share


Like anybody else around



Each one of us has a cross to bear



And then some day you may drown



Will you run away from all you've got to do



Within your sacrifices



For your soul is in chains, how could you fly?


 


Don't give up and do not cry



When those demons get you



I'll be yours till the end of time



Please believe me when I say you'll be fine


 


The circumstances are so unfair



Some days you walk on shaky ground



The trouble man is always there



For every moment you go down



You can no longer hide



Or run away from all you've got to do



Your sorrow is over now



Around your wounds begins your peace of mind


 


Don't give up and do not cry



When those demons get you



I'll be yours till the end of time



Please believe me when I say you'll be fine


 


© Vanessa Paradis - When I Say





Terry was agitated. He was pacing the terrace, smoking cigarettes after cigarettes. A week had gone by since he had glimpsed Candy and he could not shake the memory off. He regretted he did not call her. But what would he have said? That he had been unable to fulfill his promise? How he had treated Susanna? The plunge his career was taking? And what about his shaky mental state? The painful truth was that he had nothing to offer her, nothing she could be proud of. The old self-loathing resurfaced. The urge to cut came back strong and he was spending a lot of time jogging, pushing his body to the limits.

 


His mother had suggested he went swimming and had made arrangements with the owner of the nearby Chateau Marmont to allow Terry the use of the pool. His new exercise routine consisted of jogging to the Chateau, swim a hundred laps, have a drink at the bar and jog back home. He had been doing it for three days and it seemed to help.


 


Unable to take it anymore, he changed into his exercise clothes and left the house, jogging at full speed down the road.





************




Candy was bored. Archibald was spending most of his time in meetings. Albert had given the green light and the deal was about to be closed. So she was alone all day, hanging by the pool, reading or writing to her friends back home. She had done all the sightseeing there was to be done and did not quite know what to do with all her free time. She was not used to such an idle life and felt useless. She wanted to go check out the Rancho Los Amigos Hospital, a hospital for indigents, and see if she could eventually volunteer there but it was a bit far and Archibald did not want her to go alone. He had promised he would take her there as soon as all the paperwork was settled for the creation of the movie studio. He had made the decision to stay in Los Angeles to supervise the construction and had been named project manager. He enjoyed the world of movies and was quickly making lots of new friends, including quite a few lady friends, much to the chagrin of Candy who deep inside was still hoping he would go back to Annie.

 


Since her chance meeting with Eleanor, Candy kept thinking about Terry, wondering what he was up to, hoping everything was fine. She was seriously considering going to see him in New York after the trial. She needed to see him. Maybe they could start over where they left off.


 


She was lying on a lounge chair by the edge of the pool. She was trying to read a book but her mind kept wandering back to Terry. She put her book down, lay on her back, staring at the blue fall sky, and eventually fell asleep.





***********




Terry arrived at the Chateau Marmont, panting, and went up the pathway to the pool. He went in the cabana made available for him to store his swim costume to change. Since it was rare for a guest to use the pool, the area was almost always deserted and he did not bother to wear the full suit, only the trunks, which gave him more freedom of movement to swim . He came out of the cabana, went to the deep end of the pool and dove. Even under water, he heard a womanʼs shriek and realized someone must have been by the pool and gotten drenched by the splash generated by his dive. He had been so absorbed in his thoughts that he did not check if anybody was there.

 


“What an idiot...” He thought, slowly coming up and swimming toward the angry feminine voice.


 


“What is wrong with you? Are you blind? “


 


ʽIʼm terribly sorry miss, I…” He set his eyes on his victim and the words chocked in his mouth.


 


Candy was staring in disbelief at the young man whose long wet brown hair was pushed back, revealing the deep blue eyes she had longed to lose herself into for so long.


 


“Terry?” She asked, uncertain.


 


Terry did not know what do to or what to say. All he knew was that he could not possibly come out of the water and let her see him wearing his trunks only. She was a prude, she would probably faint, or get mad at him and call him a lout. This was definitively not the kind of meeting he had been hoping for. But it was now too late to run away. He held on to the edge of the pool and pulled himself up so that only his head and shoulders were visible from where she was sitting.


 


“Candy?” He finally managed to say, his voice raspy.


 


“Oh my God, Terry! Itʼs really you!” Tears of joy were brimming in her eyes. She stood up, realized most of her white top and skirt were soaked and had become transparent, blushed furiously, grabbed the blanket she had been laying on and wrapped herself in it. Her hair was up in a messy ponytail, her skin was tanned, her freckles more obvious than ever. She looked so adorable, so vulnerable, and so innocent, that Terry desperately wanted to get out and take her in his arms. Instead, he asked in a surprisingly calm voice:


 


“Would you mind handing me the towel thatʼs in the cabana.”


 


“Of course.” She quickly ran to the cabana and came back, holding his towel. She came by the ladder, held it open, closed her eyes and said, a mischievous smile on her face:


 


“ Here you go Sir. Donʼt worry, I wonʼt peek.”


 


Terry slowly climbed the ladder, took the towel and wrapped it around his waist.


 


“Alright Freckles, Iʼm decent!”


 


“Some things never change… You do realize I have a name?”


 


“But Freckles suits you so much better…” He said, smiling lovingly.


 


Candy was embarrassed to see his bare chest, where droplets of water were running. She could not help but stare at him, a dumbfounded look on her face. She was feeling light-headed and warm all over. Not knowing what else to say, and afraid he would notice the trouble his vision had stirred deep within her, she asked:


 


“What are you doing here?”


 


“Well, I was trying to swim…”


 


“I mean why arenʼt you in New York?” Her tone was showing deep concern.


 


“Because there is nothing left for me in New York.”


 


“What about Susanna? I heard what happened. Is she alright? What about your career?”


 


“If we are to pursue this conversation, I better go get dressed.” He said, needing to escape for a while to collect his thoughts.


 


“Sure, Iʼm sorry, you must be freezing.”


 


He went inside the cabana, changed, lit up a cigarette, took a few puffs before smashing it on the ground. What was he doing? The love of his life was a few feet away and he could not think of anything better to do than hide to smoke. “Grandchester, stop being such a pathetic loser. She is right there, waiting for you. It is now or never.” He took a deep breath, and came out to see Candy, still wrapped in her blanket, sitting on the edge of a lounge chair.


 


“Do you mind if I sit next to you?” He asked.


 


“Of course not.”


 


He sat next to her and started to talk, looking straight ahead of him.


 


“Our marriage was a terrible mistake. We were both miserable. There was no love. “ He started, his voice so low that Candy had to concentrate to hear him.


 


“But she loved you so much, she sacrificed herself for you…” Candy started.


 


“Candy, please, let me finish. She loved me, but I did not love her. I tried to but I could not bring myself to love her. I couldnʼt love her because I loved you….” His voice trailed off, he bent his head down, afraid how she was going to react to his admission.


 


Candy felt herself blush. She put a hand on his shoulder. He shivered under her light touch. He turned to face her. She noticed the light scar on his cheek and traced it gently with her fingers.


 


“What happened?”


 


“Just a reminder of how stupid I can be when left to my own devices…” He said, putting his hand on her finger. He had very long, soft, beautiful white fingers.


 


She gave him the sweetest smile, brought her face close to his and kissed him lightly on the cheek.


 


“Candy… I missed you so much, you have no idea. I cannot even describe how my life has been since the evening you left. I had to block out thoughts of you so I didn't lose my head. But I couldnʼt… The best thing I ever had was gone. I drank, and drank, drank till I could not feel anything anymore. And I smoked… I regressed to the stupidity of my early teens. I did all the things you hated me for.”


 


“Terry, I never hated you. How could I when I loved you so much…” She started to cry, overwhelmed by the different emotions that were submerging her.


 


Terryʼs whole body warmed up upon hearing those words. But he did not dare to hold on to this thread of hope she had just offered him.


 


“You donʼt need to lie to me Candy. I fully realize I couldnʼt have meant much to you, you had no problem pushing me aside. And I cannot blame you. What would someone as good, strong and courageous as you want to do with someone like me? Why would you want to be in my nightmare? I seem to destroy anyone who gets close to me. Look at you now, you look like an angel in hell.”


 


Her cries grew louder. Terry hated himself for being the cause of those tears. In between sobs, she gasped: “Canʼt you see? I left because I loved you. It tore me apart. But I knew you were even more torn and I wanted to make it easy for you. I thought if I never admitted how deep my love for you was, you would be able to forget about me and move on with Susanna. I thought if I ran away, Iʼd never cross your mind. I hoped you would do whatever it took in your heart to leave me behind.” Her whole body was convulsing under her cries.


 


“Please Candy, donʼt cry. Forget the words that I just blurted out, it wasn't me, it was my strange and creeping doubt. It keeps rattling my cage and there's nothing in this world to keep it down. There are so many things that keep me underground, so many words that I can never say.”


 


“ Like that you loved me? Why did you never say it till now? I never knew what to think when I was around you!”


 


“I was so confused after Susannaʼs accident. I had this plan to marry you when you came to New York… Then Susanna was expecting me to marry her in repayment for saving my life… I was lost. I wanted to talk to you but could not bring myself to. I was afraid, afraid you would go away... Which you did. I love you. So much it hurts. When we separated, I said bye to you with a sad heart, and went kicking shadows on the street for every mistake that I had made. And like a baby boy I never was a man until I saw your green eyes crying and I held your waist and hopelessly wished for time to stop. I replayed in my head our good-byes on those stairs a million times. I could still feel your body against mine, smell the scent of your hair. I ultimately fell down a pit of misery and darkness, desperately needing you to make it all go away! For only you can bring the light to my world and bring my soul back from the shadows I pushed it into. If you give up on me now I'll be gutted like I've never been before. "Tears were rolling on Terryʼs smooth cheeks. “Help me. I need you. I love you. So much.”


 


Candy was devastated upon hearing how Terryʼs life lost all meaning after she made the foolish decision to run away, when all she wanted was to be with him.


 


“Iʼm here. I wonʼt leave you. Even on your darkest night when the lights of hope are fading quickly then look to me. I'll be your homing angel. Because you're lonely in your nightmare let me in. You donʼt have to go through this alone. I won't let you down. Do you think you can find a place for my dreams? For our dreams?” She put her hand under his chin and forced it up so she could look into his eyes. “Iʼm with you. I love you still. I never stopped.” Without a word, she took his face in her hands and pulled it toward hers. She breathed the smell of him, that dark, clean smell that was like lavender. Her lips brushed his in a light kiss. Terry was surprised by her boldness. Soon they were kissing passionately. There was a burning urgency between them, a strong desire to kiss, to feel each other body, to hug. They were in love. They had been separated for too long because of absurd circumstances and had finally found each other again.


 


Candy gazed into Terryʼs deep blue eyes.


 


“I love you.” She said again.


 


Terry smiled, bent and kissed her with such fervor Candy thought her heart would burst. She locked her arms around his neck and eagerly returned the kiss. Slowly Terry pulled her even closer, slowly laying her down on the lounge chair. Their bodies touched. Terry let his hands resume their exploration of Candyʼs body, cupping her breasts in his hands. Candyʼs nipples were bulging against the fabric of her blouse, as his long fingers caressed the outline of her nipples. Terry could not hold back anymore and began nibbling on Candyʼs exposed neck and ear. The sweet perfume of her skin and the heat from her flesh catapulted his desire to new heights. She abandoned herself to his caresses, savoring every instant with a newfound lust. His mouth was traveling down her body, sucking on her nipples through the thin fabric of her blouse. He slowly unbuttoned her blouse, expertly unhooked her bra, lightly brushing Candyʼs erect nipples in the process with his fingertips. His mouth followed and he took her left nipple with his teeth. Candy gasped and Terry captured Candyʼs lips with his own in the most intoxicating manner. He kissed her deeply, their tongues tangling in an ardent kiss. They were both burning with the same desire.


 


Terry realized that he was about to lose it. He knew she did not fully comprehend what was about to happen. He was the one who had to make the decision to stop before it was too late. He would not be able control himself if they kept going this way.



"We might.... get.... caught." He uttered in between kisses, reluctantly loosening their embrace.


 


His voice brought Candy back to her senses. She had forgotten where they were. Even though it was rare to see anybody coming by the pool area, Archibald might very well come by, looking for her. Candy did not want to think what would happen if he found them in such a compromising position. She could do without another scandal in her life.


 


She quickly sat up, slightly embarrassed by what had just happened, and adjusted her clothing.


 


“Iʼm sorry if I went too far Freckles. I just could not help it. You are so beautiful.” He said, playing with a tendril of her hair.


 


“Donʼt be sorry. I wanted this as much as you did. There is nothing better than being with you,” she said in a dreamy, contented voice. “There is nowhere better than here with you.”


 


Terry could not agree more. He wanted this moment to last forever. All the anguish of the previous months had been erased by this simple contact with her. He felt like a new man, energized and ready to face the world and any challenges there may be in it for him.


 


“Would you marry me Freckles?”


 


She gave him a bright smile and shouted “Yes!”


 


Terry kissed her forehead and pulled her closer to him as they lay on the chair, letting their bodies cool in the warm California air.


 


They were in each otherʼs arms, silently looking at the sky when they heard footsteps and women talking and laughing. Then:


 


“Candy? Would you like to come with us to….” Archibaldʼs voice.


 


The young lovers were brought back to reality. They both sat up. Archibald was standing a few feet away from them, flanked by two girls Candy recognized as Georgia and Frida. The two young Greek women were an extremely successful comedy-writing team and had penned a script United Artists was planning to develop. They were also very attractive, funny and friendly. Archibald has been hanging out with them a lot lately, saying it was only business but they looked way too chummy for casual business acquaintances in Candyʼs opinion. Archibald murmured something to them, the girls giggled, waved at Candy and Terry, placed a light kiss on Archibaldʼs lips and left.


 


“Grandchester!” Said Archibald, smiling cordially.


 


“Cornwell.” Terry said uncertainly, not sure if it was really delight he discerned on Archibaldʼs face who was looking at him square in the eyes, any trace of the former animosity gone.


 


“Iʼm truly sorry to interrupt. Terrence, itʼs good to see you. I mean it. Candy, Iʼd like to talk to you in private for a second.”


 


“Sure.” Candy stood up and followed Archibald inside a cabana.


 


“Candy…. By the look of the both of you, I guess you made up.”


 


“We did.” Said Candy, blushing furiously at the memory of what had just happened.


 


“Iʼm happy for you Candy. Really. Iʼm glad you followed your heart. I want you to be happy and it seems that Grandchester is the only one who can bring you the happiness you so much deserve. So be it. Go ahead and be happy Candy.”


 


“Archie! I love you! ” She said, hugging her cousin and kissing him on the cheek.


 


“I know you do. I finally realized that just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, it doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.”


 


“You will always hold a special place in my heart Archie. And I believe I need to thank you. You knew all along Terry was here and you arranged to let Eleanor know…”


 


“I thought you guys could use a helping hand. You can be so stubborn sometimes… You were just sitting in your heartache, waiting on someone to save you from your melancholy. I would have loved to be that someone but I finally accepted we were not meant to be lovers. And Iʼm perfectly fine with it. So when I heard Terry was in town, I knew it was your second chance at happiness.”


 


“It is nice to know you are watching over me.”


 


“I always will. Donʼt forget it. You can always come to me for anything. Now if youʼll excuse me, I need to talk to Terry.”


 


“Sure, and I need to go change.” Candy approached Terry, gave him a quick kiss on the lips, “All is well. Talk to him. Make peace.”


 


She walked away. Archibald sat next to Terry and extended his hand.


 


“Friend?”


 


“Friend.” They shook hands firmly.


 


“Candy has been through a lot lately. Iʼm glad you found each other again. She really needs you.” He went on to explain all the events of the past months.


 


Terry was furious when he heard about Neilʼs attempt and Elizaʼs treachery.


 


“I should have killed that weasel when I had a chance. I knew he was going to try something like that again. I donʼt know if she ever told you but I caught him and his little friends trying to harm her back in Saint-Paul… What a bunch of jerks….”


 


“Well, looks like he finally got what he deserved. And he will most likely be convicted for attempted rape when he is well enough to stand trial.”


 


“Good. Jail should be fun for him….”


 


“Terry, I donʼt mean to be rude or interfere but what do you intend on… ”


 


“I want to marry her, as soon as possible.”


 


“Well, I spoke with Albert the very day I found out you were in town, I knew you two would end up meeting again, and you have his benediction.”


 


“Thanks Cornwell. I know your feelings for her and I can imagine how hard it must be.”


 


“I cannot force her to love me. Besides, I realized there are plenty of other girls around who ARE attracted to me. Great, nice, fun girls!” Said Archibald, fondly thinking about the two Greek girls he had regretfully sent back home. “ I know how much Candy loves you. What she feels for you is stronger than you can possibly imagine. You better not mess with her or youʼll have to answer to me.”


 


“Donʼt worry, I wonʼt. Thanks Archibald.”


 


“Donʼt mention it.”


 


The two young men stood up and walked silently to the suite where Candy was waiting for them. Terry called his mother and they decided to have dinner together at the Chateau Marmontʼs restaurant. Candy and Terry could not let go of each other. Eleanor was ecstatic to see her son and his beloved hands and hands, smiling happily. They announced their intention to wed as soon as possible. Eleanor suggested they do it that very night and the young people readily agreed. They both did not care for a big formal wedding. All they cared about was to spend the rest of their life together. They had been apart for much too long and did not want to risk being separated again without being married.


 


After dinner, they piled up into Eleanorʼs car and drove to Saint Victorʼs church in West Hollywood. In all of California there was not a more romantic church site; its gilded cross on the hill, a beacon to the Western sea; its sweetly toned bell calling to prayer the lovely valley before it. They woke the pastor up and were married within a half hour, Candy wearing Eleanorʼs sapphire ring as a temporary wedding band.


 
Chapter 15




I will be the answer


At the end of the line



I will be there for you



Why take the time



In the burning of uncertainty



I will be your solid ground



I will hold the balance



If you can't look down


 


If it takes my whole life



I won't break, I won't bend



It will all be worth it



Worth it in the end



Because I can only tell you that I know



That I need you in my life



When the stars have all gone out



You'll still be burning so bright


 


Cast me gently



Into morning



For the night has been unkind



Take me to a



Place so holy



That I can wash this from my mind



And break choosing not to fight


 


If it takes my whole life



I won't break, I won't bend



It will all be worth it



Worth it in the end



Because I can only tell you that I know



That I need you in my life



When the stars have all gone out



You'll still be burning so bright


 


Cast me gently



Into morning



For the night has been unkind


 


© Sarah McLachlan - Answer





Candy stood by the window, the Santa Ana wind stirring the lace curtains as she looked out at the mountains glowing under the moonlight, waiting eagerly for her new husband to join her. It had been a long day but even though it was past midnight, Candy did not feel the least tired. She was too excited by the dayʼs events. Everything had happened so fast, she still could not believe she had found Terry and married him a few hours later!

 


After the ceremony, Eleanor had suggested they go to the Green Hotel in nearby Pasadena, favored by movie stars and winter home to some of the most prominent magnates of industry in the Eastern United States. Archibald added the Andrews owned a suite they could use.


 

 


The Hotel Green was an impressive, Mediterranean style structure, composed of two buildings, one known as The Annex, that were connected by a bridge across Raymond Avenue, and a tunnel under it. Guests arriving by train would pass through the annex, to the second floor, and be trammed across the bridge. The Andrewʼs suite was in the main residence, on the sixth floor, offering majestic views of the San Gabriel Mountains.


 


Hearing the bathroom door opened, she turned to greet Terry, a smile on her lips as she watched the man she loved walk across the room towards her. Fresh from a bath, she could not help but notice how handsome he was: his long brown hair still wet, his seductive smile revealing perfect teeth, his shirtless well-defined chest, his skin tanned by hours spent reading in the California sun, the numerous scars on his arm a painful reminder of the misery he had been through. He had confided in her on their way to Pasadena his cutting habit. Candy had fought hard not to cry. She had vowed to help him break the cycle. He had apologized profusely for his weakness, but Candy had reassured him she loved him no matter what. She had taken his arm and kissed every single scar. She did not need him to be perfect, and in her eyes, he was and would always be perfect.


 


He threw the towel and the shirt he carried on the back of an armchair and moved towards her. He wrapped his strong arms around her slim waist. She leaned back against his warm chest, pleased to feel his arms wrapped around her and his warm breath in her hair. They lost themselves in the contemplation of the moonlit landscape.


 


“Iʼm sorry Candy,” he finally said, gently placing a kiss on her temple.


 


“What for?” she leaned further and tilted her head back against his shoulder so she could see his face.


 


“For everything I did not do for you all this time…” he trailed off, unable to shake off the guilt and shame he was still feeling for his past behavior.


 


“Terry, please, donʼt… Stop torturing yourself. Iʼm the one who started this whole mess. You have nothing to be ashamed about. I just want to forget about all this time wasted without you.” Her voice was full of sadness just thinking about what both their lives had been.


 


“I wanted everything to be perfect for you, I wanted us to start perfectly,” he murmured as he leaned down to place a kiss on her lips. She pulled back, wanting to talk to him before he distracted her with his kisses.


 


“Terry,” she said softly as she watched the confusion on his face. “We did start perfectly.” She reached up to cup his face with one hand. “When we met, every time we ran into each other, when you rescued me from Neil, when you made me dance at the May Festival, the wonderful summer in Scotland. You have always been perfect.” She kissed his chin gently. “I might not have shown it, God I didnʼt even realize it until recently, but I have always loved you. You are my other half, you complete me.” She turned her green eyes to him and saw tears filling his deep blue eyes and trickling down his freshly shaven cheeks.


 


“I love you Freckles. Since the very first time I set my eyes on you. I wish I had the guts to admit it then, it would have save us lots of heartache. But now that we are together, nothing will ever tear us apart,” he said, his voice grave with emotion as he lowered his head to kiss her. Their lips met. She entwined her fingers in his long hair, her hands gently pulling his head closer to her. Their kiss was deep and long, full of passion, awakening new sensations in both of them. He gently moved her head to the side and nuzzled his way down the side of her face to her neck where he placed a rain of kisses, his hands moving from her waist to her breasts to her hips. He delicately pulled her nightgown up her legs and slipped his hands underneath, his fingers caressing her soft curls and exploring her moist core. A small moan escaped from Candyʼs lips. Holding her arms up, he lifted her nightgown over her head and placed a gentle kiss in her armpit. She turned her head to softly kiss his neck. She moaned louder as his fingers moved within her and found the center of her pleasure, rubbing it gently, his other hand caressing her breasts.


 


Their lips met again. A shudder of desire ran through him. Her small firm breasts pressed against his chest, she could feel his arousal against her stomach. She slowly removed his belt and pulled down his pants, her fingers slowly caressing him. He let out a moan of pleasure as he tore his lips from hers.


 


“Please Terry,” she murmured lustily into his ear, “ Love me.” Her voice was almost a growl. His own desire at fever pitch, he scooped her up in his arms and walked toward the bed, stumbling on his pants that were stuck around his ankles. Holding her tightly against him, they fell on the bed. He started sucking on her nipples, his tongue circling them. Candy, unable of any rational thought, was screaming in ecstasy, calling out his name, pulling on his hair, digging her nails into his back. Terry spread her legs apart and started to move slowly and gently, pushing into her a little bit at a time. Candy whimpered briefly at the quick stab of pain and let a gasp as he pushed and entered her. Distressed as he saw her eyes opening wide, he thought he had hurt her and stilled his movements. As he started to withdraw from her, her hands caught his buttocks and pulled him back inside her.


 


He started thrusting within her, slowly at first then faster and faster, Candy surprising him by matching his rhythm. Reaching down to join their mouths in a wet kiss, he held her hands and entwined their fingers, wanting to be as completely joined to her as he could.


 


The increased sensations pushed Candy over the edge, she saw shooting stars, and threw her head back, a moan of intense pleasure on her lips. She gripped him tighter and they both exploded into orgasm.


 


They lay breathless on their backs. Terry was tracing delicate whirling patterns on her breasts with his fingertips, as he waited for her to catch her breath. As she opened her green eyes, he leaned over and gave her a small kiss.


 


“I love you,” he said tenderly.


 


“I love you more,” she said, smiling. “Iʼm sorry if I was not very good at this, this is all new to me.”


 


“Are you kidding? It was marvelous! And donʼt worry, we will have plenty of time to practice.”


 


She nestled against him, their sweaty bodies beginning to cool in the air coming from the open window. He reached down and pulled the sheet over them, his hand returning to caress her hair. They both sank into a deep sleep, exhausted but satisfied.


 


When Terry awoke some time later the sky was beginning to turn pink, Candy lay beside him on her back, sound asleep and uncovered. He watched her sleep, knowing that he was the luckiest man alive. Reaching out to touch her, his fingers gently traced her small but perfect breasts and trailed lower, reaching down to gently caress her flat belly, wondering if they had created a child, a perfect little replica of Candy, another human being built from their love, someone they could shower with love the way they never were themselves. That thought put a smile on his face. Candy stirred in her sleep and finally opened her eyes.


 


“Good morning Mrs. Grandchester. Are you ready for more practice?”


 


Instead of answering, she rolled on top of him and started kissing him, slowly making her way down his chest. He realized with a smile that she was a willing student and a fast learner.





*********




Three days later, while they were still trying to determine where to go for their honeymoon, they received a phone call from Archibald: Elizaʼs trial had been set to start in two weeks. They had to leave immediately.

 


There was a daily train for Chicago leaving from Pasadenaʼs Santa Fe Station. Archibald and Eleanor had come to bid them farewell and wish Candy luck with her testimony. Archibald wanted to be present at the trial but work was to start on the new studio and he had to stay.


 


“Donʼt worry Archie. It will be fine.”


 


“I cannot believe Iʼm going to miss my loathsome cousinʼs public disgrace! Do you know for how long Iʼve been waiting for something like that? She is finally going to be exposed for the snake she really is!”


 


“I would not fret over it if I were you. Iʼm sure youʼll read all about it in the Los Angeles Times, and hopefully there will be pictures,” said Terry.


 


“Oh no, you really think so?” Asked a pale Candy. She really did not want to be at the center of a media circus.


 


“Of course! The press will have a heyday with this story Candy and Iʼm sure the details will spread from coast to coast. This is a member of the almighty Andrew family who is standing trial on attempted murder charges.”


 


“Thatʼs just great….” Said Candy, sulking.


 


“Donʼt worry Freckles, it will all be fine. Iʼll be there with you.” Said Terry, putting a comforting hand around her shoulders.


 


The conductor announced the train imminent departure and the Grandchesters had to board.



“Bye Mother, and thank you for everything. You were great through this all. Sorry for the trouble I caused you."


 


“Non sense, it was my pleasure honey. What are mothers for?” They all hugged quickly and Candy and Terry got in the train.


 


The trip back to Chicago was uneventful. They discussed their future, Terry not quite knowing if he wanted to go back to Broadway, or give Hollywood and the motion pictures a try.


 


They finally arrived and were greeted by Albert himself.


 


“Candy! Terry!”


 


“Albert,” exclaimed Candy, running into her adoptive fatherʼs open arms.


 


“Good to see you Albert,” said Terry, impressed by Albertʼs casual elegance. He still had trouble reconciling the image of his friend Albert the zookeeper with the wealthy William Andrew.


 


“Terry! Congratulations! Sorry to see you again under those circumstances. Welcome to our family. Weʼll have an official post wedding party when all this is over. Iʼm so happy for the two of you. You are both beaming with happiness. And you are so tanned! Gosh, I miss being outdoors.”


 


“Albert… Has all this been causing any problem to the family business?” Candy had to ask. She had been worried sick that Andrew Enterprises would suffer some serious loss because of the unwanted attention brought to the family.


 


“Not at all. Youʼd be surprised by what most people are saying about Neil and Eliza. It seems they are quite infamous throughout the city and nobody seems very surprised by what happened.”


 


Albert quickly put them up to speed during the short drive to the Andrewʼs mansion. Elizaʼs trial was to start the next day and would be followed by Neilʼs. Candy had been summoned to appear in front of the court on the second day.


 


Eliza had been in jail since her arrest whereas Neil had been free on bail since his release from the hospital. Those two trials captivated the whole town, and were the hot topic in newspapers throughout the country. The city was crawling with reporters. The Great Aunt Elroy could not handle the scrutiny and was in Lakewood, refusing to see anyone. She was mortified that her favorite grand children were in the middle of something so horrifying. She was convinced Candy was behind it all somehow and had been blaming Albert relentlessly for adopting her.


 


The day of Candyʼs testimony arrived. Candy walked in the courthouse with Terry and Albert, wearing a dark brown suit with a white ruffle shirt, her hair up in a tight bun. She was feeling a little nervous and was glad to have Terry by her side. The judge walked in, everybody stood up and the court was in session. It was the second day of Elizaʼs trial, Neil had been on the witness stand the day before and today was Candyʼs turn. Her testimony was more of a formality than anything else since Neilʼs testimony had been pretty clear in establishing Elizaʼs guilt. The defense would be trying to prove that Neil had lied in order to protect Candy whom he was in love with. The district attorney had warned her that she had to be prepared for some nasty counter questioning on the part of the defense, which would try to establish that Candy and Neil were lovers. Candy was feeling fidgety. When her name was called, Terry gave her hand a brief comforting squeeze and murmured “I love you” in her ear.


 


Candy stood up on shaky legs and slowly walked toward the witness stand. She sat down and faced Eliza who was quite a sight, wearing a crimson dress with matching hat, definitively not the traditional murder suspectʼs attire. She looked at her with mean eyes, a smirk on her face.


 


The bailiff came by Candy with a bible for her to swear on.


 


“Mrs. Candice White Grandchester, do you…”


 


He was interrupted by a furious scream:


 


“WHAAAAATT!!!!??? I thought I did not hear correctly the first time! That whore of a stable girl! She married my boyfriend, she stole him from me! I should have stabbed her instead of my moronic brother!” Eliza was standing up, stomping her feet. Her lawyer looked at her in disbelief. She had just admitted to her crime. Mrs. Leegan let out a cry and fainted.


 


Eliza realized what she had just said, put her hand on her mouth and sat down. The crowd went wild. The judge called for order. Candy was dismissed. The jury went on to deliberate and came back twenty minutes later with a unanimous guilty verdict for the attempted murder of her brother. The judge sentenced Eliza to life in a high security prison for the criminally insane. She was taken away kicking and screaming by two policemen, shouting insults and threats at Candy and professing her everlasting love to Terry.


 


Neil was convicted to five years in federal prison for attempted rape. However, he never completed his term. A fellow inmate who happened to be a former lover of Elizaʼs and considered Neil a despicable snitch had made sure his time in jail was as ghastly as it gets, sparing him no torture and humiliation. A mere two weeks from Neilʼs release date, as he was working in the laundry room, and ignoring his enemy numerous requests to pass the bleach bottle that was besides him, the man who could not stand the very sight of Neil anymore furiously grabbed the bottle, broke it and attacked Neil with it, severing a main artery. He died on the laundry room floor from severe bleeding.


 


The Leegans fled to South America to avoid the shame associated to their names. They were never seen or heard of again.


 


The Great Aunt Elroy remained in seclusion in Lakewood for a couple of years before falling into dementia and spending the remaining of her life in a nursing home, where she was a most difficult patient, abusive, aggressive, constantly cursing the nurses, and non-compliant. Albert had to make large monetary contributions to insure she was properly cared for despite her nasty behavior.


 


Candy tried to see Annie immediately after the trial but learnt that she was living in New York, attending Art School. Many years went by before the two former friends saw each other again on a Christmas day at Ponyʼs home. It was a somewhat awkward encounter, the warmth and complicity of their former friendship gone. They remained in touch, more out of courtesy than true desire, but never were the friends they used to be ever again. The subject of Archibald was never brought up. Annie never married. She opened an art gallery and lived with her parents. After their death in a tragic car accident, she felt extremely alone. She adopted a cat, a beautiful Siamese who had such a human personality that she decided to give her a human name and chose Ana Luisa, after her late mother Ann Louise Brighton. The beautiful Siamese was extremely vocal, active and playful. However, Annie never did bond with her and got extremely upset when Candy and Terry came by to extend their condolences on the loss of her parents, and Ana Luisa immediately jumped on Terryʼs lap and made herself at home, fully enjoying the head scratch Terry was giving her. A few months later, Annie could not take the loneliness anymore and decided to join a convent and became a nun. She sent Ana Luisa to Los Angeles where she instantly took over Terryʼs office and spent most of the time on his desk, sitting on top of various screenplays, papers and novels.


 


Archibald remained in Los Angeles where he handled all of Andrew Enterprises Los Angeles ventures. He enjoyed the Hollywood parties and made quite a playboy reputation for himself. He particularly enjoyed the cosmopolitan aspect of Los Angeles and the multitude of foreign girls who lived there. He ended up dating quite seriously Terryʼs personal assistant, a French girl named Sandrine with green eyes that reminded him of Candyʼs, much to Terryʼs displeasure for she was neglecting her work. She eventually got tired of Hollywood and went back to France, leaving behind a devastated Archibald who started hanging out in bars. On a night he had too much to drink, he was walking in the middle of Sunset Boulevard and got run over by a car. He was taken to the hospital with broken ribs. He was assigned a lovely Canadian nurse named Céline, sweet, caring and kind, who reminded him of Candy by her devotion to her work. When he was authorized to go back home, she became his private nurse. One day, as Céline was redoing his bandage, her fingers lingered more than was necessary on the young man chest and they spend the rest of the day in bed. They lived ten days of torrid passion, rarely coming out of the house, till Céline was required to return immediately to Canada where a former patient, a famous singer, was requesting her expert care. Archibald could not believe how unlucky he was in love. He decided to go to the Museum of Art to take his mind off his numerous heartbreaks and met a beautiful young Chilean artist named Paloma. They quickly became inseparable and Archibald was seriously considering asking her to marry him when she was informed she had landed the curator position at Santiagoʼs Museo Nacional de Bellas Artes she had been dreaming of most of her life and abruptly left. Heart broken once more, he decided to take a break from girls. He started going out for dinner and parties with Eleanor, who was now living part of the year in Los Angeles. They discovered they had a lot in common and enjoyed each other company tremendously. Much to Terryʼs horror, they started dating romantically, and eventually got married. Eleanor gave birth at the ripe age of 38 to a healthy baby boy they named Stear.


 


Albert continued assuming his role as the head of the Andleyʼs empire, building the company into one of the most modern, progressive and powerful of the United-States, providing his thousands of workers with outstanding working condition, health insurance and retirement plans. Each year, he took two months off to travel the world and George assumed the direction of Andrew Enterprises. One year, he came back with a gorgeous, exotic looking woman named Tuba he introduced as his wife. They had two boys who grew up to become key political figures, strengthening the Andrewsʼ influence in the economy and the way business was conducted.


 


Patty remained at Ponyʼs home, married a local farmer and lived a happy live. She eventually became the director of Ponyʼs home, turning it into a wonderful haven for orphans. She added an extra wing and opened a music school to benefit the little residents but that was also opened to the local children.


 


Susanna went back to Broadway to great acclaim and became one of the most popular actresses of her generation. Her dream to reach professional success had become a reality and exceeded her craziest expectations. Despite her professional success, her personal life was a disaster. She became estranged from her mother after her separation from Terry, blaming her for everything that went wrong with her life. She lived alone. She had several affairs with men who were already taken or did not want to commit. She died lonely at a young age.


 


As for Candy and Terry, they decided to make Los Angeles their home. Ever since his marriage, Terryʼs life was back on track. Candy was not only the love of his life, she was something solid for him to live for. The fog he had been living in all the time they were apart dissipated and he was finally able to enjoy life to the fullest. Quite often in interviews, he would mention how Candy had saved him from a life of depression and alcoholism. In his acting career, as well as in his love life, Terry was now a man beaming with happiness. Having reunited with Candy totally transformed him. She brought him the joy of living, stability, and most importantly unconditional love. Thanks to her, he felt like a simple human being, even though he was an actor known all over the country. She taught him to see life differently. He was more optimistic than ever before.


 


He got involved with the movies and ended up with a great screen career. He did not give up theater altogether and was playing on Broadway every other year. He eventually dropped acting all together and became an acclaimed screenwriter.


 


Soon after their marriage, Candy found out she was pregnant. The couple was ecstatic, and terribly excited at the perspective of starting a family together, something both of them had so cruelly miss during their childhood. Candy gave birth to a beautiful daughter, Maybelle Rose, to whom they gave a brother, Stephen Anthony, two years later. The birth of his children was a revelation for Terry who truly felt as himself for the first time in his life. He loved being a Dad and was pretty good at it, helping with the feeding, changing diapers, staying up at night, caring for them when they were sick and assisting Candy any which way he could. No matter how busy he was, he always made time for his family. They came first and he was known to cancel meetings and postpone shootings if one of his children was sick. He was committed to become the best Dad ever. He did not smoke anymore and only drank on social occasions. He wanted to see his children grow up, and be able to be with them and Candy for the longest time possible. A wish that was fully granted: they lived a long and happy life.


 


THE END

 
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